ITEMS STOLEN THIS WEEK: Eight iPods, three GPS units, a bike, and a satellite radio system from a cartoonist who really should have known better.

A man cited for disorderly conduct told officers, “Y’all are going to have to hunt me down, cause I’m not going to fucking court!” Now, if you had to be the perp on a show, which would you choose — Dog the Bounty Hunter or Judge Judy?

A domestic dispute began over adult movies charged on a cable bill. Violence isn’t the answer, but we’d be upset too if a roommate paid for something you can get for free on the internet.

Police found a man lying on the sidewalk near The Battery. Smelling of alcohol, he seemed uninjured and still had his wallet, but he was slurring, “Help me.” As officers started asking questions, the man would only respond, “Fifth amendment.”

The victim of a car break-in noted that the thief took his iPod, but didn’t take an expensive stethoscope. Have you seen the cost for malpractice insurance? We’d leave the equipment, too, and just watch old episodes of Doogie Howser, M.D. on the iPod.

The evolution of a shady story: A man said he was kidnapped while waiting on a ride. He then changed his story, saying he was at the gas station to buy a beer. Then it turned out to be a misunderstanding over whether the victim had taken something that the suspects were looking for — which, of course, turned out to be cocaine.

The Blotter is taken from City of Charleston police department reports. We’ve added a cartoon and a little commentary. We’ve added a little humor, too. No one has been found guilty. This is not a court of law.