BLOTTER O’ THE WEEK: A woman was injured recently when she tried to walk around a railroad crossing arm. Walking a little too soon, she reportedly was lifted off the ground by the crossing arm and dropped on her back.

After police caught up with a suspected drunk driver, it turned out that he wasn’t drunk. But, there were spent bottles of nitrous in the car. The driver’s girlfriend explained that she’d inhaled a few earlier in the day and that it was supposed to make sex better. Now, maybe they can play naughty prisoner and slutty guard. Just as effective.

Items Stolen This Week: Three bikes and two laptops … oh, and a package of Nutter Butter cookies and a Gatorade bottle filled with water.

A West Ashley bar manager contacted police when a patron refused a complimentary taxi ride home. The man was sitting in his car and refused to get out, telling officers that he was not a criminal and didn’t appreciate being treated like a murderer. Asked what time he thought it was, the man reportedly looked up to the sky, stuck his arm in the air and said 3 a.m. It was nearly 1:30. Asked to count backwards from 53 to 44, the man said he’d do it, but that it was “in direct violation of my Fourth Amendment rights.”

Theft O’ The Week: A woman reported that one of her neighbors kept stealing her newspaper. While not endorsing such crimes, we’ll take readers wherever we can get them.

Threat O’ The Week: “In God we trust.”

A high-school grad performing a roadside sobriety test was asked to recite the alphabet from D to R. He told the officer he couldn’t do it. Asked to count from 90 to 79, he replied, “No, no, no. I can’t do it.”

The Blotter is taken from City of Charleston police department reports. We’ve added a cartoon and a little commentary. We’ve added a little humor, too. No one has been found guilty. This is not a court of law.