BLOTTER O’ THE WEEK: Once arrested for DUI, a woman became belligerent when told she couldn’t smoke while being processed. She referred to one officer as “Robocop” and called another “Officer Dickhead.” She also allegedly kicked a jail employee in the leg for no apparent reason.

A security company for a downtown school contacted police when they heard a voice over the alarm’s microphone saying, “Help me. Get me out of here.” A young woman, who appeared to be drunk, was found inside. She told police she was just trying to get to her grandparents house on the Georgia coast.

Called to a downtown hotel regarding a marital spat, officers were approached by a man in the hallway. He said he was “the drunk guy involved in the situation.” Among the items found in the room were a lamp without a shade and a nightstand with the legs snapped off.

Amateur Twilight Homage O’ The Week: A police report referred to one DUI suspect as having “red eyes that appeared hollow.” Spoooooky!

Items Found on the Bridge Run Course: Credit cards for two runners

Asked to count down from 90 to 80, two suspects this week got it right … but still managed to screw it up. One got to 80 and continued, “79, 78, 77, 76, 74, 71, 70.” The other responded, “90, 89, 88, 87, 86, 85, 84, 83, 82, 81, 80, 79 … shit!”

A man told police that he came home to find that his ex-girlfriend apparently came into his apartment, threw clothes around, pulled all the food out of the refrigerator, and poured a box of laundry detergent on the floor. She later texted him, saying, “I hope you enjoy the cleaning.” If that was her cleaning, that may be why he moved on.

Threat O’ The Week: “If you tow my car, I will have vengeance on you.” Release the Kraken!

Items Stolen This Week: Six GPS units, four bikes, four iPods, two laptops, and a stand-up string bass guitar

The Blotter is taken from City of Charleston police department reports. We’ve added a cartoon and a little commentary. We’ve added a little humor, too. No one has been found guilty. This is not a court of law.