BLOTTER O’ THE WEEK: A domestic dispute ended in an arrest, but it began with a hunt through the attic for a raccoon.

Weapon O’ The Week: A can of air freshener

An allegedly drunk West Ashley man arrested for disorderly conduct told officers he was too drunk and needed to be arrested, but that he “was 70 years old, so he shouldn’t be arrested.” See, you give seniors five cents off their coffee and now they feel entitled.

Among the items missing in a string of vehicle break-ins was a DVD of Old Dogs. The perp’s not going to live that one down at the next meeting of the Legion of Doom.

A DUI suspect failed two attempts at reciting the alphabet from D to R. The second time went like this: “D, E, F, G, H, I, G, Q, L, L, M, O, P, Q, R, Z, S.” Asked to rate his sobriety from a scale of one to 10, with 10 being the most drunk he’s ever been, the suspect said he was at a two or three. Gee, on a bender, he must not have any idea what the hell the alphabet is in the first place.

Overheard at the police station: “If Johnnie Cochran was still alive, I think I’d have a case.”

Items Stolen This Week: Four bikes, four iPods, and three GPS units

A man arrested for disorderly conduct told police, “I hate fucking Charleston.” Make sure that guy doesn’t get one of those favorite city surveys we keep winning.

A 30-year-old man told police he believes his mother accidentally threw his gun away while she was cleaning his room. We think it’s another not-so-subtle clue that she wants you out of the house.

The lost cash in a gas station holdup included an unknown amount sitting on top of the safe. Sure, where else would it be?

The Blotter is taken from City of Charleston police department reports. We’ve added a cartoon and a little commentary. We’ve added a little humor, too. No one has been found guilty. This is not a court of law.