ITEMS STOLEN THIS WEEK: Four GPS units, a laptop, a graduation cap and gown, and a machete.

A woman reported that an unknown young man, apparently upset that she was partially blocking the sidewalk, hit her car with his laptop. She told police that he “had that Harry Potter look” and was “kind of a computer dork.”

Police told the victim of a vehicle break-in that they couldn’t take prints off the car because of morning dew and a thick layer of pollen. Really, what will allergy season spoil next?

Drunk O’ The Week: “I just want some coffee. I don’t want to be sober.”

Trying to avoid police, an allegedly drunk suspect started to run, but he lost hold of his pants and tripped when they fell to his ankles.

Cheaters Clue O’ The Week: Condoms in a gym bag.

Scholar O’ The Week: “There is nothing wrong with begging people for money. It says it in the Bible.”

Threat O’ The Week: “I am going to get a warrant out for you, but first I am going to fuck you up.”

A woman got into a fight with her ex-boyfriend over a Gucci belt he was wearing that belonged to her. We bet she wouldn’t have had this problem if she’d BeDazzled it.

A large fight at an apartment complex started when a woman came to pick up her boyfriend and “saw numerous other scantily dressed females inside the apartment.” Now we know what happens on set after they stop filming those rap videos: Mrs. Rapper comes home and she is mad as hell.

The Blotter is taken from City of Charleston police department reports. We’ve added a cartoon and a little commentary. We’ve added a little humor, too. No one has been found guilty.