Fashionista O’ The Week: “Why the fuck are you messing with me — don’t you see the shirt?”

The suspect in an apparent break-in shattered a glass storm door and damaged a wooden coffee table and porcelain Bible. He’d been drinking at a bar on East Bay Street and blacked out around 1 a.m.

Myspace Message O’ The Week: “If you Google (the address of an ex-boyfriend’s other woman), you’ll learn it’s the town whore’s address.”

Beginning a roadside sobriety test, a woman was asked if she had contacts. She replied, “I don’t have any contacts here, but I can give you some: my mom, my dad.” The officer then tried to clear things up by asking if she had contacts in now. The woman responded, “My girlfriend,” referring to the passenger in the car.

Weapon O’ The Week: The middle leaf of a kitchen table.

Items Stolen This Week: Four bikes, four GPS units, a laptop, an iPod, an iPhone, a chef’s cutlery set, and fishing knives

A woman reporting a vehicle break-in noted that the unknown suspect took her GPS unit but left her iPod. You know it’s bad when even the bottom-feeding thieves have upgraded to an iPad.

Quote O’ The Week: “My name is fuck you motherfucker.”

A man arrested for public intoxication couldn’t explain where he got the dog he was carrying or why he was trying to get into someone else’s apartment. Turns out that he’d offered to walk a friend’s dog around the apartment complex and he got lost.

A woman reported a car missing after letting a friend borrow it and never getting it back. She told officers it was either at a local domestic violence shelter or in Canada.

Excuse O ‘The Week: Trying to defend his actions in a vandalism case, a suspect told officers, “I threw a brick at him, but it missed him, and it struck the car instead.”

A man passed out on a downtown sidewalk told police that he was, in fact, drunk, but that he was walking home. Police noted he had the keys to his BMW in his hands and a BMW was only two parking spaces away.

Drunken Outburst O’ The Week: “He’s got crack up his ass! Arrest him now!”

The Blotter is taken from City of Charleston police department reports. We’ve added a cartoon and a little commentary. We’ve added a little humor, too. No one has been found guilty. This is not a court of law.