THREAT O’ THE WEEK: A man reported that his neighbor threatened him by pulling apart a pistachio shell. “This is going to be your head,” he allegedly said, before holding up a second, unopened shell. “See the difference between these two pistachios? This is me … and this is you.”

Items Stolen This Week: 14 bikes, six iPods, four GPS units, a laptop, and two baseball gloves

Found Item O’ The Week: Police officers found an ax in the middle of the street in West Ashley.

Unfortunate Statement to an Officer O’ The Week: “Touch me. See what happens.”

Police accused a driver of fleeing the scene of a single-vehicle accident and falsely reporting that the car was stolen. Not only did witnesses place him at the scene — his missing flip flop was still in the floorboard of the car.

Quote O’ The Week: Asked why he allegedly stole a beer can from a grocery store, a man told officers, “I don’t work. That’s why I’m stealing, man.”

Weapon O’ The Week: A bag of chicken

After first invoking his “Fifth Amendment rights,” a DUI suspect reportedly said, “I’m really sorry, I did something wrong and I apologize.” The police report notes the suspect’s “short-lived apology was followed up with more belligerent behavior and yelling.”

The Blotter is taken from City of Charleston police department reports. We’ve added a cartoon and a little commentary. We’ve added a little humor, too. No one has been found guilty. This is not a court of law.