BLOTTER O’ THE WEEK: Caught with what looked like 17 small bags of heroin, a suspect told police they were “just filled with sugar.” It turns out that he wasn’t a drug dealer — just the Tooth Fairy’s archenemy.

You know you’re a badass when the “distinguishing features” listed in a police report includes stab wounds.

Hot Night O’ The Week: Among the items pilfered in a recent shoplifting incident at Walmart: three cans of Icehouse, four tubes of toothpaste, a toothbrush, a can of deodorant, a bottle of men’s body wash, a bottle of anti-fungal foot powder, five boxes of Trojan condoms, a bottle of Vaseline, and a bottle of olive oil.

After asking a DUI suspect to count from 87 to 79, an officer noted the man “seemed confused and could barely even count at all.”

Asked to read the consent forms prior to a Breathalyzer test, a DUI suspect told police, “I can read. I’m just so fucked up right now, I can’t.”

Exchange O’ The Week: “Why do you think I was stealing? Because I’m a black man in your store?” “No, I think you were stealing because you were crawling behind my counter on your hands and knees.”

Items Stolen This Week: Seven iPods, four GPS units, three bikes, and two laptops.

Asked how much he had to drink, a DUI suspect told police, “Two or three beers … enough to get me in trouble.” He then refused to perform a sobriety test on the advice of his attorney. “But you had enough to get you in trouble tonight?” the officer asked. The man replied, “Of course.” Next week, his attorney will talk to him about the right to remain silent.

The Blotter is taken from City of Charleston police department reports. We’ve added a cartoon and a little commentary. We’ve added a little humor, too. No one has been found guilty. This is not a court of law.