BLOTTER O’ THE WEEK: Responding to a call that shots had been fired, police arrived to the scene to find the victim in “an extremely emotional state.” Turning around to show a bullet hole in his back pocket, the man yelled, “I’ve been shot in my ass!” He won’t have to kiss that ass goodbye, though. The bullet was found lodged in his wallet.

Proof college is back in session: Two separate references to a “house party” in police reports.

Stolen Items O’ The Week: 10 GPS units, seven bikes, four iPods, and three laptops

An unknown thief stole a golf bag with more than $600 in clubs. They were left unsecured in the back of a pick-up truck, so it was less like stealing and more like accepting an offer.

A man approached officers to tell them he’d just stolen a 12-pack of beer from a nearby gas station. He said he’d been having a bad day and just wanted to be arrested.

Strip Club Parking Lot Quote O’ The Week: “I’m drunk, I looked at some tits, and now I’m fucking going to jail.”

A man arrested for disorderly conduct reportedly said disparaging things about blacks, Latinos, gays, and “hippies,” before saying that “the Klan” would bail him out of jail. No, it was not Rick Sanchez.

A woman told police her boyfriend had threatened her, saying if the victim left him again, he’d tie her to the bed and set her on fire — eerily similar to the lines in Eminem’s new single.

The Blotter is taken from City of Charleston police department reports. We’ve added a cartoon and a little commentary. We’ve added a little humor, too. No one has been found guilty. This is not a court of law.