Face-off O’ The Week: Rock vs. hammer

A text threatening violence was signed, “your sworn enemy.” It just doesn’t strike the right balance of fear and respect unless it’s followed by a really menacing laugh.

Items Stolen This Week: Five bikes, five GPS units, five iPods, a laptop, and a pool stick.

A West Ashley shop owner reported that two men stole a sewing machine. Both were identified as “slender.” Don’t judge. Do you know how hard it is to find affordable skinny jeans in men’s sizes?

A man told officers that he had “fake crack” in his pocket, which actually tested positive for real crack. The whole ordeal is now in the suspect’s new “fake” criminal record.

When officers tried to wake a man sleeping on the sidewalk, he told them, “I can sleep where I want to sleep.” In unrelated, news, Extreme Makeover: Home Edition is looking for a Charleston home to redo. Easiest. Makeover. Ever.

Threat O’ The Week: “I’m going to get my pole and chop your ass.”

A recent middle school grad in an upscale community was caught having sex with her boyfriend in the laundry room of her apartment complex. The police report states that pictures were taken of the laundry room and the used condom found on the floor. Those Gossip Girl episodes just write themselves after a while, don’t they.

Unfortunate Comment O’ the Week: As officers were searching his wallet, a 19-year-old suspect said, “I have a fake ID in there. My real ID should be behind it.”

The Blotter is taken from City of Charleston police department reports. We’ve added a cartoon and a little commentary. We’ve added a little humor, too. No one has been found guilty. This is not a court of law.