Blotter o’ the Week: While standing on a ladder to change a light bulb, a man fell onto a piano, struck his lower back, and heard an audible crack in his left shin when he hit the ground. This is why Final Destination still freaks us out after all these years.
According to witnesses, a man punched two women in the parking lot of a donut shop and then fled the scene in his car.
NASCAR Vandalism o’ the Week: Someone scratched the number 21 in the driver’s side door of a car. The work of a Trevor Bayne fan, obviously.
Wrong Thing to Say to a Cop o’ the Week: After being told to take her hands out of her pockets, a drunk woman asked a police officer, “Why, are you afraid I’m going to shoot ya? You think I got guns?”
After being discharged from the emergency room at a downtown hospital, a man refused to leave the premises and locked himself in the bathroom, where he smoked some cigarettes.
In a bar fight, a man tried to choke an opponent with his own necktie.
Dumb Excuse o’ the Week: After getting caught shoplifting a $42 baseball hat, a young man told police he did it because the hat was “out of my budget.”
In a fit of rage, a man punched a window at his ex-girlfriend’s apartment. The window won. The window always wins.
During an argument, a man threw a hammer at his friend’s flat-screen television. The explosion wasn’t nearly as impressive as in the Apple “1984” commercial.
Police responded to a call about a drunk college kid who was causing a disturbance in a hotel lobby. When asked where he lived, the student ignored the question and sent a text message. When asked why he was causing a disturbance, the student replied, “I do not remember that.” He was arrested on a charge of public drunkenness.
While stumbling down the sidewalk around 2 a.m., a man tried to lift his lady friend off of the ground, and the two fell over into the roadway — directly in front of a passing police cruiser. After swerving to avoid crushing their heads, the officer got out of the car, chased the revelers down, and gave them tickets for public drunkenness.
Weapon o’ the Week: A metal mop stick.
Pointless Lie o’ the Week: After getting caught carrying an open can of beer on the sidewalk, a woman told police she was drinking in public to celebrate her birthday. It was not her birthday.
When police found two Xanax pills in a man’s front pocket, he insisted, “That’s not mine.” Obviously.
A man shoplifted six boxes of laundry detergent from a grocery store. He obviously thought he was going to Gain from the theft, but the Tide of public opinion has turned against him. He’s trying to maintain good Cheer after the arrest, but it’ll be hard to Bounce back from this one.
Txt Msg Threat o’ the Week: “I will break you now.”
During a strip search at the jail, police found a baggie with one gram of marijuana inside a man’s rectum.
Stolen From Vehicles This Week: A trailer hitch, a purse, a passport, a checkbook, 10 Lorazepam pills, 50 Klonopin pills, and a 9-mm semi-automatic pistol.
While taking a DUI test after running his car into a ditch, a man told police, “I shouldn’t have driven. I took that turn too wide. I knew better.”
When police arrived at the scene of an assault, a man with blood gushing out of a quarter-sized hole in his temple passed out, stood back up, ran out the door, and then laid back down in the parking lot.