BLOTTER O’ THE WEEK: Police were called to a downtown pizza place because there was a drunk patron who wouldn’t leave. A witness told police the suspect was trying to drink everyone else’s beer and that he appeared “super drunk.” The witness said it was a large man “with long blond hair and a beard, kind of like Thor.”

Bad to Worse O’ The Week: According to a police report, “While the officer was grabbing the knife from the driver’s side door panel, he also observed a green, leafy, plant-like substance inside the door panel.”

Officers found a man curled up behind some Calhoun Street dumpsters. Asked how much he had to drink, the man replied “Oh, hell, I don’t know!”

A mother frantically reported her teenager missing when she went to pick him up early from school and he wasn’t there. A police officer informed her that it was senior skip day and he was likely out with 250 or so of his fellow students.

Items stolen this week: 10 iPods, four bikes, six GPS units, three laptops, and a kayak.

Upset that a delivery truck and other vehicles were blocking the exit to a parking lot, a man allegedly threatened the driver, saying, “I’ll cut your motherfucking head off.” His wife later told police that her husband was in a hurry to pick up his mother from the hospital … oh, and he doesn’t own a knife.

The Blotter is taken from City of Charleston police department reports. We’ve added a cartoon and a little commentary. We’ve added a little humor, too. No one has been found guilty. This is not a court of law.