Blotter o’ the Week: After being notified about a fight taking place in the women’s bathroom of a downtown bar, an officer located one of the combatants outside. The woman told the officer that she was in the restroom when another women entered and began vomiting on the floor. The woman told her inebriated bathroom buddy that her vomiting on the floor was “gross.” The woman responded that it was her birthday before kicking her new acquaintance in the face.

A woman entered a grocery store and stole an entire cake. No word on if she also opted for the “It’s my birthday” excuse.

A woman became irate and drove off in a stranger’s vehicle after claiming that she was speaking with the spirit of her dead friend.

A shirtless intoxicated man claimed that he had been attacked by a group of gang members, but witnesses clarified to officers that the man had passed out face first on the floor of a Japanese restaurant.

An intoxicated young man was kicked out of a downtown bar, but repeatedly attempted to sneak back in several times before police were called. On his person, officers found his actual driver’s license, which showed him to be underage, and a fake Ohio license.

A shoplifter made off with more than $2,700 worth of cigarettes from a convenience store. Security footage of the heist shows that an accomplice distracted the cashier while the thief carried out the crime.

After a man was spotted huffing aerosol cans, he told police that he was only researching how it was done because his children also huff. Sometimes it’s tough being the “cool dad.”

A shoplifter was attempting to flee an officer when he ran into a rack of clothes and fell to the ground.

A man in a golf cart was doing donuts in an empty parking lot when an officer spotted an open beer in his hand. The man admitted to hiding the beer in the glove compartment of the vehicle after he saw the officer approaching, but said he was drinking due to a recent death in the family. Either way, he ended up pouring out a cold one.

A woman repeatedly told officers that she needed a few of “Berkeley County’s finest” as well as her mom and dad.

Police were called early one morning by a man who said that a woman was knocking on his door and would not leave. Upon arrival, the woman told officers that she just wanted to retrieve her belongings from the apartment. Once inside, police noticed multiple new televisions scattered across the apartment. When the man was asked where the televisions came from, he shrugged his shoulders and told police that he works during the day and doesn’t know how they got there. Upon leaving the home, officers discovered two individuals hiding underneath the building in their pajamas. They told police that they were hiding underneath the house because the man and woman were arguing and throwing things.

Shoplifters managed to fill their pants with multiple chilled bottles of champagne before sneaking out of a grocery store. Surprisingly, their cover was not blown when one bottle slipped from one of their pants legs and shattered on the floor. Wonder what they’ll drink to celebrate a successful heist.

Officers found an open can of beer after stopping a reckless driver, who said he was in search of a night club named after a specific part of the female anatomy.

A college student had his laptop stolen after leaving it unattended in the school library while he went to get dinner. Campus security said they had advised students not to leave any belongings unattended, but the man told police that due to him paying $250,000 in tuition, he should not have to worry about leaving his laptop unattended for hours.

A young woman was sitting at home when another woman walked to her front door and shouted, “Bring your scary ass out here so I can beat your ass,” according to an incident report. The woman decided it was not wise to bring her “scary ass” out there, and remained behind locked doors. She later discovered that the offender posted a similar threat on Facebook that same day.