Illustration by Steve Stegelin

The Blotter is taken from reports filed with Charleston Police Department between April 22 and April 26.

Blotter of the Week: Charleston police may have stumbled across the first recorded case of time travel under the influence when a West Ashley woman pulled over for suspected drunk driving told officers she had a couple glasses of wine yesterday. Ma’am, what day do you think it is?

Runners Up
Is there another culturally appropriated holiday associated with heavy drinking celebrated in springtime that we didn’t know about? A total of 17 reports of drunk drivers and five drunken/disorderly violations were filed in less than a week. Guess our invite got lost in the mail.

A West Ashley woman’s car was broken into, and along with her credit cards, Social Security card and financial assistance information, her Dave and Buster’s gift card was taken. No charges have been reported from the stolen cards, which means the thief is probably having the time of their life at D&B’s.

A downtown woman told police that her stolen Apple AirPods automatically connected to her phone when a couple of kids walked by. When confronted, the kids told her they would “shoot up her car.” Ha, kids. Right?

Police arrested a man that clearly played too many Tony Hawk games as a kid after he was caught hitching rides on the back of horse-drawn carriages with his skateboard. 

Officers responded to the site of a collision in West Ashley and found evidence of a hit-and-run in the form of a Mazda emblem laying in the road that looked “suspiciously out of place.” Ah, yes, as opposed to the other Mazda emblems on the road that look very inconspicuous. 

A downtown woman told police she may have been drugged when she began to feel dizzy, sleepy and a little nauseous after drinking a bottle of Champagne, three-quarters of another bottle, downing three rum and Cokes and taking a shot of whiskey at a hotel bar. Is she saying that she normally doesn’t feel like that after drinking so much?

A West Ashley auto mechanic reported what must almost add up to be about his entire shop stolen, including three sets of jack stands, three floor jacks, four sets of vehicle ramps, an air compressor, multiple bottles of oil and other fluids, a utility cart and numerous miscellaneous tools. The thief has really set the bar for who earns the monthly “grifting gearhead” in the future. 

A routine traffic stop yielded really odd discoveries when the driver bolted, the passengers claimed to not speak English, an empty beer can was found in the back seat, and a wooden crate with a couple live roosters was found in the trunk. The whole ordeal was pretty confusing until we read they were driving from Myrtle Beach. OK, checks out.

A downtown pizza delivery driver told police that his vehicle was surrounded by six college-aged people who stole his restaurant’s pizza topper from his car after he told them they couldn’t have his pizza. Tip your drivers, guys, they really don’t get paid enough to deal with this. 

Police stopped a man along a downtown sidewalk after receiving a tip that he may be in possession of “dangerous stuff.” When questioned, the man told officers it was “just some coke,” about a gram to be exact. See, and you were worried it was something bad.