BLOTTER O’ THE WEEK: Spotting someone dancing in the street with his shirt over his head, a man told the mystery dancer that he looked like a pharaoh. The pharaoh got angry, pushed him to the ground, and knocked him unconscious.

After cursing some people out and being stopped by police, a man tried walking away to the north, and then he turned south and said, “Oh wait, I live that way.” Police stopped him again and arrested him for disorderly conduct.

Scary Weapon O’ The Week: A tire iron. The victim tried to scare the attacker off by yelling to his roommate, “Bring me my golf club!”

A fast food employee called the police to stop a man who was trying to ride his bike through the drive-thru lane. An officer arrived and told the man that the restaurant did not serve bicyclists through the window. The man left and then headed back to the drive-thru five minutes later. He was arrested for public drunkenness.

Pulp Fiction Dialogue O’ The Week: “What the fuck. He came into the house! He took the fucking suitcase! Fuck that guy!”

Someone shoplifted two bottles of champagne by putting them in his front pants pockets.

Officers spotted a man standing barefoot in the middle of King Street around 1:30 a.m. He was directing traffic with his sandals. When asked why he was doing this, he said, “The cars are going too fast.”

A man called an elderly woman on the phone and told her that he could stop all the annoying telemarketing calls she had been receiving if she would just give him “those numbers off the bottom of your check.”

Someone stole a metal drainage grate.

A man pulled up to a dollar store in a car and tried to shoplift paper towels, Dr. Pepper, and Gatorade from a display in front of the store.

How to Break Up a Fight on Daniel Island: “Stop. Get in your golf cart and go home.”

Seinfeld Moment: Police stopped a man who was seen peeing in the flower bed outside a parking garage. He admitted to the deed but blamed it on his incontinence. The officer pointed out a public restroom less than five feet away.

A woman who had parked at the end of a parking lot row came back to her car and found that someone had hit her bumper. There was a note on the windshield: “This is not a parking spot dumb ass.”

The Blotter is taken from City of Charleston police department reports. We’ve added a cartoon and a little commentary. We’ve added a little humor, too. No one has been found guilty. This is not a court of law.

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