Blotter o’ the Week: In perhaps the most ambitious shoplifting attempt of the week, a woman walked into a grocery store and crammed steaks, wine, limes, coffee, vinegar, plastic plates, rice, beef stir fry, and a frozen burrito into her purse. A grocery store employee caught her and detained her until police arrived to arrest her.

After catching a man peeing on a tree in a public park, an officer handed the man a ticket and told him to go back to the tree and kick around some dirt and leaves “so his urine could not be seen,” according to an incident report.

A loss prevention officer at a store caught a woman shoplifting nine Halo action figures, a package of pocket pages, and an unknown quantity of Magic: The Gathering playing cards. Yu-Gi-D’oh!

Lousy Counterfeit Job o’ the Week: A man attempted to buy cigarettes with a counterfeit $20 bill. Among the red flags the cashier noticed, according to an incident report: “The bill appeared to be made of an unusual paper stock, and the cut of the bill was irregular in shape.”

A man walked into a convenience store restroom and ripped the soap dispenser, electric paper towel dispenser, and toilet paper dispenser off the walls. He also dented a stainless steel trash can. When a clerk confronted him about it, the man said that he “fell,” and then he ran away.

Joyless Ride o’ the Week: A cop pulled a man over in a Mercedes-Benz for driving 84 mph in a 45 mph zone. The driver immediately got out of his car after pulling over and told the officer that he was driving his drunk friends home from a pub when one of them opened the door and jumped out. Sure enough, the officer found the passenger walking along the road with blood on his shirt and face. He said another passenger in the vehicle had given him the bloody nose.

A man on Upper King Street yelled at a police officer because an officer had confiscated his friend’s bicycle. The officer arrested him on a disorderly conduct charge.

A person with a voice that was later described as “young adult Latin female” called a man’s phone one morning, and the man’s wife picked up. The caller left a call-back number and a male name. The man called the number back and heard from a person he described as sounding like a “young adult with a Southeast Asian male voice” that he owed the IRS $6,500. The voice on the line threatened to call the sheriff’s office if he didn’t pay immediately over the phone. The man challenged the stranger to go ahead and send in the deputies, then he hung up and called the police department to report an instance of fraud.

Police found a crack pipe inside a man’s shoe. Might be time for him to join an arch support group.

Somebody stole a metal rocking bench and a cast-iron table with a glass top from the front lawn of a house.

Somebody reportedly left a dog in a parked car on a hot day … in front of the police department.

A bouncer caught a man trying to get into a bar with a fake ID. As a police officer was writing the man a ticket for the offense, he asked the man to sit on the curb and stop talking on his cell phone. The man responded by yelling, “This is sexual assault,” and then he yelled some more. The officer arrested him on a public intoxication charge.

Annoying Vandalism o’ the Week: Somebody peeled the 2015 validation sticker off of a car’s license plate. No other damage was reported on the vehicle.

Police saw a topless man yelling at people on the sidewalk and swinging his shirt over his head. When the man realized he had been spotted, he ran away and tried to hide in the alcove in front of a yoga studio.

Around 1 a.m., the crowd waiting for the new iPhone in front of the Apple store watched as a very drunk woman cried hysterically and kicked several cars.

Somebody spray-painted the words “Dome Splitter” and a bunch of other gibberish in the middle of a hand-painted outdoor mural.

While searching a house on a drug warrant, police found the following drugs in the following places: 3.8 grams of white powder in a glass bowl in a kitchen cabinet, 13 grams of marijuana in a dresser drawer, a gram of cocaine in a teapot in the china cabinet, 3.5 grams of white powder and 11.7 grams of marijuana in a metal coffee mug under the living room table, 5 grams of white powder in a Nivea container on top of a dresser, 4 grams of marijuana in a plastic bag inside a shopping bag inside a toolbox, and 7.9 grams of marijuana in the pocket of a child’s jacket.

An officer approached a man and woman who were eating a meal on the steps of a museum and noticed that there was an open tall boy of beer near them. The man said it was his and then added that he would “man up and take the rap for the team.” Reports of chivalry’s death have been greatly exaggerated.