BLOTTER O’ THE WEEK: Officers arrested two women for allegedly assaulting each other. The first woman claimed the other woke her up and began punching her in the face. She also said the woman kicked her in the leg and bit her on her thumb. The second woman claimed the first woman punched her in the face several times and threw coffee on her. Both women emphatically refused medical care. “What do I need them for?” the first woman asked. “I am tough.”

A concerned mother alerted police after her son called to say he’d taken some drugs with his girlfriend. Officers arrived at their apartment to find the 20-year-old man unable to provide anything but their first names. As for the girlfriend, well, “First responders were able to convince the female party after approximately 20 minutes to put clothes on and to come down from the top bunk bed she was found laying in.” The young woman allegedly struck a fireman who was trying to help her down off the bed. The couple was taken to MUSC for treatment.

A woman arrested for driving under the influence was desperate to avoid arrest, offering the officer “a million dollars and the best orgasm ever” if he’d let her go home.

Observing a college student stumbling down King Street at four in the morning, officers stopped him to ask where he was coming from. “I have no fucking clue,” he told them. “Give me a ride.” Asked if he’d been drinking, the young man responded, “Oh, I’m absolutely drunk.” Told he was under arrest for public drunkeness, the man protested, “You guys are idiots, my 17-year-old brother could do your job.” Actually, his brother’s job should have been driving his drunk ass home.

Stolen Items This Week: Four bikes, an iPod, and three GPS units.

An officer thought he’d alert a driver to the fact that he was driving on a flat tire. Turns out the man had a suspended driver’s license and suspended plates with no insurance. “I know I am going to jail,” the man reportedly said, hanging his head and putting his arms behind his back to be handcuffed. (Note from the editor: Making it easy on the officer won’t keep you off this page).

The Blotter is taken from City of Charleston police department reports. We’ve added a cartoon and a little commentary. We’ve added a little humor, too. No one has been found guilty. This is not a court of law.