BLOTTER O’ THE WEEK: Someone stole 12 tires from a car dealership service center. The thief had better tread softly.

Car Tattoo o’ the Week: A man suspects that his girlfriend is to blame for the word “bitch” and a heart symbol that were scratched in the paint on his SUV.

A plastic surgeon recently discovered that 150 vials of anesthetic were missing from his office — and wouldn’t you know it, Nurse Jackie was nowhere to be found.

D’oh! Quote o’ the Week: When an officer patted a man down and found a baggie of weed in his pocket, the man said, “Oh, I must have not taken it out of my pocket yet.”

Granny Smackdown o’ the Week: A woman reportedly picked a fight by hitting another woman with a broom handle. In the resulting melee, the broom bandit enlisted the help of five friends and knocked her opponent’s grandmother to the ground.

A loss prevention officer watched as a customer took a battery charger out of its box and stashed it in his pocket, but when the sloppy shoplifter was confronted about it, he claimed he had gotten it for free at another store. The story didn’t check out.

Escalation o’ the Week: After a man returned home to find his house had been ransacked and some of his jewelry had been stolen, he told police, “It’s probably those little kids that were shooting BB guns at my car. They think I have a gun; I told them I would shoot back.”

Police pulled a car over with windows that appeared to be tinted beyond the legal limit. When the driver rolled down the window, an officer noticed that the interior reeked of marijuana — and indeed, a drug-sniffing dog later found weed and crack in a Crown Royal bag inside the vehicle. Weird twist to the story: It was a rental car.

After getting in a car accident, a man who smelled like alcohol hopped out of the driver’s seat of his vehicle and told a police officer, “I wasn’t driving!”

Police stopped a man who was walking down the sidewalk at 3:45 a.m. in his T-shirt and socks — and nothing else. The bare-cheeked brigand explained that he was staying at a downtown hotel and was walking to his girlfriend’s house. Because that makes sense.

Bad Plan o’ the Week: A panhandler attempted to conceal a beer he was drinking by pouring it into a clear water bottle.

As an officer walked toward a house, he saw a reported drug dealer on the front porch reach into his pocket and then put his hand behind another man sitting beside him. The second man was having none of it, though, and he blurted out, “Man, don’t put that shit behind me.”

Junk Food Haul o’ the Week: A shoplifter crammed a package of gummy snacks, Boston baked beans, two packs of Starburst, two strawberry watermelon candies, one Three Musketeers bar, a pack of Skittles, a pack of Mentos, and a Cheese Danish into his pockets. He was caught before he could eat himself into a diabetic coma.

Weird Threat o’ the Week: A woman returned home one night to find that someone had broken the screens off of two laptop computers and left a note on the back of an envelope stating, “This is just a pin drop in an ocean of good shit.”

An arrestee arriving at jail shoved something in his mouth, swallowed, and said, “It tastes nasty.” He then spat on the ground and vomited. An officer later “found that the spit had dried, leaving a white substance on the ground” that looked an awful lot like crack cocaine. We really don’t pay our cops enough money.

The Things They Shoplifted: Two candles, a crocheted shirt, a bag of charcoal, a watch, a can of beer, and a bag of pork cracklin’ strips.