Blotter o’ the Week: In a crime that would make the Penguin proud, a woman threw several umbrellas at an employee inside a dollar store before fleeing. Store security then followed the woman outside where she bit the guard on his hand.

A man made an aboutface as he exited a bar and began aggressively approaching an officer with his arms extended “like an airplane,” according to an incident report. The not-so-friendly flier shouted “Why am I kicked off the corner?” before a woman approached and offered to guide the man home. The man declined the help, saying he wanted a beer before emptying his pockets and removing his shoes in front of the officer.

A man returned home to find his bedroom destroyed and two of his son’s friends sleeping on the floor. Inside the home, police found broken potted plants on the floor, along with a shattered chest of drawers and 20 holes that appeared to have been punched into the wall. Soon, police noticed the smell of smoke inside the home, and the father opened the oven to find a pan of burning food.

Proving that good help is hard to find, a business owner discovered that her secretary had used the company credit card to purchase meals from various fast-food restaurants and $1,485 dollars worth of gift cards.

A King Street resident was cleaning debris off of his porch left behind by Tropical Storm Irma, when he discovered a loaded semi-automatic pistol.

Police were searching for an intoxicated woman who had just been removed from a hotel. Officers found the woman following a couple along the street downtown. Although the woman told police that she did not know the couple, she assured the officer that they were “bad people.”

A one-and-a-half-gram bag of cocaine was found in the parking lot of an elementary school. The man who discovered the bag responded by placing an orange traffic cone over the discarded drugs and telling the principal, which likely earned him a gold star for the day.

A driver decided to be completely honest with an officer during a traffic stop for an expired tag one afternoon. After telling the officer that he had “several issues” that they needed to discuss, the man began by admitting that “I have marijuana right here,” adding that he may have a few warrants and his license was suspended. After that comprehensive confession, the driver concluded by saying, “I think my insurance is expired as well.”

A clever driver wrote in the word “loaner” on his license plate where the expiration date is supposed to be. As police attempted a traffic stop, the driver sped off. Officers later tracked down the abandoned vehicle. Inside they found a bag of cocaine. The vehicle was then towed, but luckily it’s only a loaner.

Burglars managed to pry open the doors to a restaurant’s outdoor freezer and make off with $200 worth of beer and an estimated 40-60 pounds of chicken and steak, which means police are likely on the lookout for one hell of a cookout.

Police received two calls about a hit-and-run involving a van and a large dumpster. The driver of the van was never located. The dumpster, although shaken, chose not to press charges.

Approximately $3,765 worth of woodwinds were stolen from a vehicle, including a $2,000 flute and a $1,000 piccolo. In all sincerity, it’s safe to say that really blows.

Officers inspecting a vehicle found a secret compartment built into the center console. Hidden inside were several bottles of illegal prescription drugs bearing the Piggly Wiggly logo.

Officers responded to a call regarding two men arguing over a moped in the parking lot of a chicken restaurant. During their dispute over ownership, one of the men began ripping panels off the vehicle, yelling, “Look at this shit! This shit is hotwired.” Ignoring repeated warning from police to stop screaming obscenities, the man then said, “I’m going to see you again, and I’m gonna tear your ass up,” at which point he was taken into custody.

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