Illustration by Steve Stegelin

The Blotter is taken from reports filed with Charleston Police Department between April 28 and May 5.

Blotter of the Week: A man police were told was trying to fight people in a bar with a metal spike said he was talking to God before the altercation ensued. We had no idea our local Vampire Hunters’ Guild was so active this time of year.

More than $5,000 in camera equipment was stolen from a photographer’s vehicle parked downtown. Guess it’s back to iPhone photography for a while; though the price tag probably won’t be too different.

A West Ashley woman told police her ex-boyfriend probably stole her license plate again, but that he “returned it in a timely manner” last time. Somehow, we don’t think that’s what the problem is.

Sometimes, police reports describe cars identical to that of our reporter’s, and that makes him very nervous. Anyone looking for a Kia at a fair price?

One police report described an incident being handled over the phone due to the city’s efforts at “flattening the curve” and “stopping the spread.” Technology is really something — even the police can work remotely.

A West Ashley man received a citation and court date for “talking at an excessively loud volume” outside his home. We know it was close to the end of the month fellas, but come on.

Police responded to reports of a woman angry over her husband’s recent infidelity. When police arrived, she had “already urinated in her pants.” There’s clearly a lot to unpack here, but we think we’re going to leave this one alone.

A downtown woman told police she didn’t want to pursue charges against her reportedly abusive ex-boyfriend because she will just have “some guys mess him up.” Between actual law enforcement and/or this lady’s vigilante justice, maybe the guy will learn a lesson.

A West Ashley woman told officers her pink “Glock 40” had been stolen from her car, but she later said she wasn’t sure of the make or model, just that it was pink. Related: State lawmakers are debating whether to allow some SC gun owners to open carry their guns … no mention of requirements to remember what kind it is.