Illustration by Steve Stegelin

The Blotter is taken from reports filed with Charleston Police Department between Nov. 18 and Nov. 24. No one described in this section has been found guilty, just unlucky.

Blotter O’ The Week: A West Ashley woman reported her apartment had been broken into, and among the things stolen were 75 rounds of .308 ammunition, a book of personal account passwords, a deck of tarot cards and $6,000 cash. We always like to piece together a profile of folks who’ve been robbed, but we are honestly struggling with this one.

Officers were able to detain a man with a pending arrest warrant after checking in on a red Ford Taurus in the parking lot with a cloud of smoke billowing out of the window. Maybe don’t hotbox the car if you’re on the lam.

Police responded to the scene of a violent crime downtown and began questioning a man suffering from two gunshot wounds to the leg. The report doesn’t detail the interaction, but the cops could have waited until he at least had a Tylenol or two in his system.

A Daniel Island woman reported that her car window had been smashed in, and that two water filters had been stolen from her purse. It’s always a shame to read reports of crime, but it does help us rest easy knowing people are finally prioritizing adequate hydration. Stay thirsty, guys.

One firearm was stolen from a vehicle parked outside of a West Ashley apartment, along with the owner’s Social Security card, and another firearm was stolen from a vehicle parked downtown.

Security footage from a downtown store showed a man who had just left stealing a bicycle outside. Together with the police, the manager was able to connect the suspect to a check that had just been cashed. America, we got him.

A big-box store employee was caught embezzling money through a complex Visa card scheme over a period of roughly three months, totaling just over $6,000 in losses to the corporation. We aren’t advocating for embezzlement or anything, but that’s a pretty slick pull.

Reports are often written in a narrative format, and when a new character who hadn’t done anything wrong is introduced as “Offender 2,” you know you’re in for a twist. In this case: Offender 2 grabbed an officer for arresting his fiancé.

Security at a downtown bar threw out the same man twice, after he jumped over their 8-foot fence in the back to get back to drinking. Time for a taller fence.

In this week’s installment of perfume-pilfering, two women described as being in their late teens or early 20s made off with over $2,200 worth of perfume from a downtown lingerie store. How are they staying in business?

Police responded to reports of shoplifting from a West Ashley grocery store, where a man had stuffed an unknown number of packages of various meats into a trash bag and fleeing in a white Honda Civic. Sorry, DHEC, but we are going to celebrate the holidays with that guy.