Blotter o’ the Week: A piney-scented shoplifter stole 47 tree-shaped air fresheners. Police should be on the lookout for a smelly sap with roots in the area, but may be willing to branch out and leave town.

A woman believes her granddaughter is responsible for a few of her personal belongings that have gone missing in their home. The grandmother’s sole piece of evidence is that her granddaughter is “mean spirited.” Since the quality of one’s spirit is difficult to hold up in court, police then spoke with the woman’s son, who pulled police aside to inform them that his mother often just sits things down and forgets where they are.

Police found an intoxicated man passed out in the street one evening. An officer was able to wake the man and ask where he was going and if he knew his home address. According to an incident report, the man simply replied “yep” to all questions and agreed that he had a lot to drink.

After definitely failing the heel-toe portion of a field sobriety test, an intoxicated driver admitted defeat to an officer, saying, “That was terrible. I can’t do that normally.” At least he was being honest with himself.

A couple got into an argument after a glass crackpipe wrapped in a sock fell from the woman’s bra.

Officers observed three young women standing outside a bar one evening — seemingly a little too young to be standing outside of any bar. Upon seeing the police approach, one of the women said, “Oh shit, the cops,” and fled the scene while her two friends waited in line laughing. After handing over a fake ID, one of the young women told an officer that she had graduated high school in 1994 before quickly correcting her answer to 2014. Eventually the young woman’s masterful network of lies crumbled like a house of fake IDs and she admitted that she was underage.

A shoplifter attempted to sneak a few icy bottles of peach fuzzy naval from a dollar store. Police later found the man, who had removed his shirt, shoes, and hat by that time. In hindsight, there are probably better ways to disguise yourself than disrobing on a public street corner.

A man was spotted driving his truck into a ditch before jumping from the vehicle and fleeing the scene. A nearby gas station attendant said the man had been causing trouble in the store earlier that evening. Although the cashier was not able to provide the man’s name, officers found multiple pieces of paper in the truck with the suspect’s name and address written clearly.

A man drove his van into another car while attempting to park at a strip club. Unwilling to let the fender bender put a damper on his evening, the driver then casually backed away from the scene of the collision and drove across the street to another strip club.

Two parents ran their son out of the house with a baseball bat, telling police that they believe he has a mental illness and listens to “drug music.” The son later returned and told police that the argument with his father began when he took his old man’s ice cream from the freezer without asking. At this point, the son was locked outside and told by his father that he could come back in if he left the ice cream by the front door.

A rowdy bar patron was asked to leave an establishment after threatening to fight all the “bitch ass” patrons one evening. Officers later found the man standing in the parking lot enjoying a beer. Police described the man as “grossly intoxicated” and he described them as “punk ass white boy,” according to an incident report. Fortunately, the man was restrained by his girlfriend, ensuring the safety of all those nearby.

A mother called police after her daughter tried to give her a glass of bleach to drink.