Blotter o’ the Week: Somebody stole a $350 Louis Vuitton cosmetic pouch, a $720 Louis V clutch, and a $2,645 gold watch with a diamond dial from a pile of wedding presents in a hotel room. We sense an unfunny sequel to Wedding Crashers in the works.

When a cop looked under a man’s car passenger seat and found a grinder with half a gram of marijuana inside it, the driver blurted out, “Oh man, I was looking for that.”

A man walked into a drug store and stuffed three bottles of liquid soap into his jacket before walking back out. He’s a slippery shoplifter, this one.

When a cop tried to stop a man he suspected of dealing drugs, the man took off running, leading multiple officers on a foot chase across Crosstown traffic before they caught up to him in a playground. After police arrested the man and failed to find drugs on him, the man announced, “I dropped 28 grams on y’all ’cause y’all too slow.”

Police heard six gunshots being fired near a bicycle shop and went to investigate what happened. Upon arriving, they actually found 13 spent shell casings on the ground and five bullet holes in the side of the shop.

Some hellion ripped a mailbox out of the ground at one house, planted it in another yard, and then took the mailbox from the second yard and threw it in a nearby pond. It’s enough to make a person go postal.

A man drank a fifth of vodka in the middle of the day, walked to a fire station, and picked a fight with a bunch of firefighters, threatening to cut and/or kill them. As soon as the cops arrived, the man started apologizing. He was arrested and charged with public drunkenness.

A man picked up a package of bedsheets inside a store and tried to return it for cash without purchasing it. A loss prevention officer caught the whole episode on camera and knew the man was full of sheet.

Stolen From Homes This Week: A 32-inch flatscreen television, a TV remote, four laptop computers, a tablet computer, two diamond rings, four gold necklaces, and two iPod Nanos.

A man reportedly took klonopin in the morning, drank all day, went to a bar, took some heroin, and then kept drinking. After sitting at the bar for about an hour, the man started falling asleep and then turned purple in the face. Medics were able to revive the man and take him to the hospital.

A maintenance worker knocked on the door to a public restroom in a park one morning and found a man sleeping inside for the second day in a row. When she told the man he needed to sleep somewhere else while she cleaned inside, the man left the restroom. But when she finished cleaning, she stepped outside and saw the man standing beside her vehicle, with his pants unzipped, rubbing his penis.

Somebody stole the official diplomat license plate from the vehicle of an Australian diplomat.

A bicyclist says she was riding downtown when a tour bus from out of town ran her off the road, causing her to fall off her bike and scrape her hands and knees.

After putting his convenience store up for sale on Craigslist, a man started receiving text messages from two men who seemed to be interested in purchasing the store. However, when he finally met up with the men at a hotel, it became apparent that they were actually makers of counterfeit money who were looking to use his store as a front to launder funny money.

A woman was seen banging on the doors and windows of a house one afternoon, claiming that the residents had taken her puppy. A police officer walked through the house with the owner and did not find a dog, then placed the woman on trespass notice. The woman left and then returned an hour later, at which point she was arrested for trespassing.

Pee Crime o’ the Week: A police officer watched as a man climbed over a fence surrounding a parking lot, whipped out his penis, and started peeing on a masonry column. The man was in plain sight of passing pedestrians, car traffic, and a marked police cruiser. When the cop got out of his vehicle, the man’s friends could be heard saying, “Shit! Cops!” while the pee criminal himself calmly finished what he was doing and started walking away. When the officer stopped him, the man said he was peeing in public because of “urgency.”

A man told police that a woman in his house had pulled a shotgun on him during an argument. When the cops arrived, the woman said that the man had pulled the shotgun on her. An officer on the scene took note of the fact that both the man and the woman appeared to be intoxicated and, since there were differing accounts and no witnesses, confiscated the shotgun for the night.