Steve Stegelin

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Blotter o' the week: At a downtown clothing store, a woman was found with a bag of marijuana in her purse after knocking a display of dresses onto the ground. She was acting erratic, according to the report, telling officers that she was "looking for a wedding dress." We're not advocating for drug use, but if she's that stressed over wedding shopping …

Officers escorted a woman back to her residence after she had claimed her car was stolen. Though she was intoxicated and couldn't pinpoint the exact location of where she had left her car, which she said was still running, police patrolled the area, and found no sign of it.

A good Samaritan found a wallet on the sidewalk in front of a downtown hotel and promptly checked with hotel staff to see if the wallet belonged to a guest. There's no joke or crime here, just a good person doing a good thing.

Officers responded to a report that a man's CPD-issued unmarked vehicle was broken into, and his firearm, gas mask, CDU helmet, black duffel bag, and $2.50 in spare change were stolen. See, guys? Even cop cars are left unlocked sometimes.

In addition to the officer's, two firearms were stolen from motor vehicles parked outside their owners' homes.

Police arrived at a Downtown residence in response to a possible burglary in progress. The suspect, who had since fled the scene, was described by the homeowner as a white male in a white jumpsuit. Police noted that the suspect was more than likely a drunk and lost college student.

Cigarettes, Mountain Dew, and Advil were shoplifted from a West Ashley gas station last week. The offender will be tough to catch: Mountain Dew provides endless energy, nicotine will give him the ability to focus on eluding capture, and the Advil will make him immune to all pain.

After responding to a call to an apartment about possible trespassing and a short foot pursuit which ended in the suspect slipping and falling, it was discovered that the suspect had been banned from all city housing since 2010. What exactly do you have to do to get banned from all city housing?

Officers observed a man standing close to a downtown theater with his hands at his waist. On closer inspection, the officer noted "several streams of liquid surrounding the offender's person." In his defense, he later told the officers about his "urgent need" to urinate.

An officer responded to a park after receiving complaints from nearby residents that people had their dogs off-leash before the permitted time. Upon arrival, the officer began writing one man a citation while all other dog-owners promptly leashed their dogs and left. Bad, dawg.

After an older member of a local church discovered that a young couple in the congregation were dating, he announced it to a group at an after-hours church meeting. After the meeting, the man who made the announcement assaulted the younger man when questioned about the public statement. This is probably just another standard, everyday case of demon possession.

Several members of the Ansonborough neighborhood took "great exception" to the way trees were being pruned on East Bay Street. According to police, the tree service was occupying one lane and forcing vehicles into another at a blind intersection. The kicker: The mayor and the director of the city parks division were dispatched to the scene and given a full briefing.