Steve Stegelin

BLOTTER O’ THE WEEK: A man allegedly approached an employee at a downtown gas station and told her that he “left her a gift” around the corner of the building. It was poop.

A woman informed police she found a slightly damaged bike chained to a post behind her downtown home and she wanted it removed. According to the complainant, neighborhood kids have hidden stolen bikes behind her house in the past. Sounds like she just blew up their safe house.

Five juveniles were caught on camera breaking the skylight on top of their middle school’s roof in West Ashley. No description of the juveniles was given, but if we imagine they’re all young women, it’s pretty inspiring that they shattered their school’s glass ceiling.

Some use guns, some use knives, but only the most monstrous individuals throw Cheez-Its at their enemies. One such deviant was found walking into a Johns Island garage. When he was confronted by the homeowner, this disturbed man threw an entire box of snacks at the victim. Somehow he got out of it without medical attention.

Police responded to a downtown home May 18 in reference to a bicycle theft. When police arrived, the victim provided video footage of the theft, but told officers that he was more worried that someone was trespassing. He could be a bicycle mogul, swimming in two-wheeled vehicles, or he could just be a big-picture kinda guy.

A Swagtron hoverboard was stolen from a downtown residence between May 17-18. We would joke about how the offender has the sickest form of getaway vehicle imaginable, but it belonged to a kid, so we just feel bad. Give that Swagtron back.

Imagine: You see a shirtless, blood-covered man on a bike around 5:30 p.m. Are you curious about his story? We are too, but all police wrote about the mystery man is that he was in an altercation at a Mexican restaurant and he “was determined to be the victim.”

While patrolling downtown, an officer noticed two individuals staring at him as he drove by. He pulled over and engaged the individuals in “consensual conversation.” We hope it was an enthusiastic conversation, as well as consensual.

A downtown theater employee informed police their Rug Doctor carpet cleaner (worth about $750) had gone missing several days earlier. The complainant advised an ex-employee has taken the carpet cleaner home to his personal residence on several occasions when he was employed. Good thing they aren’t running any rock operas about the importance of a clean house and doctorates, otherwise their star would be missing.

At a West Ashley hotel, a man informed police that he believed someone was pumping “acidic gas” into the vents in his room. Trying to cover the vents with various materials, including “plastic from a cheese bag,” he decided the only logical way to protect himself was to wash his mouth with hot sauce. Officers quickly determined he was hallucinating and it was likely drug-induced.