Blotter o’ the Week: A shoplifter made off with approximately 50 sticks of beef jerky totaling $130.

After complaining to an officer that she had been turned away from a downtown bar for not complying with the dress code, a woman returned to tell the officer that she had been assaulted by a female bartender. The woman described her attacker as having long, brown hair, “B-cup boobs,” and “probably no ass, even though I didn’t look at it,” according to an incident report. A witness from the bar later told the officer that the woman and her friend had reached across the bar to attack the bartender due to a disagreement over the tab.

An officer noticed a driver trembling uncontrollably during a traffic stop. When asked why he seemed so nervous, the driver replied, “Because I got weed,” according to an incident report.

An employee at one lingerie store was caught pocketing more than $2,000 from the business by conducting fraudulent returns.

Officers arrested an unruly student who, according to an incident report, shouted “I go to college, you uneducated asshole. Who the fuck do you think you are?” while being taken into custody.

One man entered a department store, grabbed a bicycle, and rode it out of the store without paying. The two-wheeled terror was later picked up by police when an officer noticed the man return to the store once again with the stolen bike still bearing the price tag. When questioned about the bike, the man told officers he had just taken it out for a “test drive.”

Police responded to reports of an unconscious man asleep in an alley. As police tried to wake the man, he raised his middle finger to the officers and said, “Fuck off, I’m Canadian.” Such a polite people.

A hotel guest who paid for his room in cash left with more than just a free continental breakfast. The next morning after the guest had checked out, hotel staff found that a 32-inch flat-screen television valued at $400 was missing from the room.

After receiving numerous complaints from women regarding a man who was “creeping people out” downtown late one evening, an officer located the intoxicated ladies’ man resting against a road sign. When asked where he had been drinking, the man replied, “With those girls,” according to an incident report.

A man entered a department store and was spotted grabbing a pair of women’s underwear before walking into a changing room. Upon leaving the dressing room empty-handed, he was questioned by store staff asking where he had hidden the garment. The man then informed staff that he was wearing the pilfered panties, which he immediately returned to security.

A woman was approached by a well-dressed stranger who asked if she had dropped her wallet. The woman said that she had not, but the stranger then showed her a wallet with what appeared to be $40,000 in cash. The stranger then told the woman that she would give her the wallet and its contents if she went to the bank and paid the stranger $4,000.

After fleeing officers during a traffic stop, a suspect ditched his vehicle and attempted to escape on foot before he was finally tracked down by the police. Once officers caught back up with the suspect, he had only one question: “Where is my phone from the car?”

Officers responded to reports of an intoxicated woman who was refusing to pay her cab fare late one night. The taxi driver informed police that after trying to skip out on her bill, the young woman insulted him and proceeded to fall into the bushes in front of her apartment building. As police approached the bushes, an officer found the woman urinating with her pants around her ankles. After finishing her business, the woman stumbled out of the shrubs to complain about the cab driver, but she had to be instructed by the officer that she was not wearing any pants.

After attempting to shoplift a package of hamburger meat and two boxes of noodles, a beefy-mac bandit left her purse behind after being chased off by store staff. Inside the bag, a store employee found the stolen items, a cell phone, and more than $100 in cash.