Steve Stegelin

The Blotter is taken from reports filed with Charleston Police Department between Sept. 23 and Sept. 28. No one described in this section has been found guilty, just unlucky.

Blotter o’ the week: A miscommunication on social media may have been a factor in a downtown woman’s car tires being slashed after she accidentally clicked the laughing emoji on a photo of her brother instead of the “Like” button. As if contributing to the fall of American democracy isn’t enough, Zuck?

After an officer noticed a vehicle sitting in place for an hour and half on a downtown street, he approached the driver. The man was smoking marijuana and “just chillin,’” according to the report. This man was too chill. Someone had to stop him.

A woman informed officers that her car was missing after a night of drinking. After getting a few drinks in Mount Pleasant, she blacked out and awoke in a downtown parking garage on Meeting Street without her car. It’s hard to find your car in a parking garage, we’ve all been there.

A man in his 60s was caught stealing beer and cosmetics from a Folly Beach store. The suspect escaped after nearly 40 bottles of nail polish were retrieved, but police said he matched the description of a known James Island shoplifter with an affinity for stealing nail polish. Yea, probably that guy.

Police issued one man a ticket for loud noise after the officer heard “excessive and loud revving of a truck with a modded exhaust” on King Street. We’ve never cheered so enthusiastically for such minor justice.

One officer approached a man after spotting him with a bottle of Steel Reserve on Mary Street. The man quickly tossed the bottle into a nearby trashcan and pulled out a bottle of Mountain Dew, claiming that’s what he had been drinking all along. You dew you, boo.

A West Ashley woman received a series of text messages from her ex-boyfriend saying, “Don’t call the police,” “It’s just a car” and “I just want to be with you.” She later found what appeared to be chocolate smeared on the opening to her Hyundai’s gas tank. I think the guy must have been confused; you’re supposed to give the chocolates to the girl, not the car.

An administrator at a West Ashley elementary school received phone calls from an unknown party that said “I’ve hacked into the mainframe. I’m going to kill you,” and “I’ve hacked into your Central Intelligence.” When the school resource officer called the number back, they got the voicemail of a juvenile boy. We didn’t know child-genius hackers were a thing outside of ’80s movies.

A Market Street restaurant employee thought starting an argument with palmetto rose sellers about their tactics was a productive use of her time. During the argument, an unknown party threw a bucket of water on the kids from the roof of the restaurant. In response, one of the kids reportedly pushed over a piece of furniture. To recap: Adults that act like kids have advice for kids.

Three handguns and a catalytic converter were stolen from motor vehicles across the city. Let’s imagine for a minute if it’s just one person stealing all of these guns and car parts. What’s their story?