Illustration by Steve Stegelin

Blotter of the Week: A downtown man told officers that a woman had brandished a knife at him, and when he asked, “What are you going to do, stab me?” she attempted to stab him. This man is probably unaware of how close he came to having the best worst last words in history.

Runners Up:

Officers reported receiving a phone call from a woman who told them that, while living in California, she had encountered issues involving her daughter’s father’s daughter’s stepbrother and an Arizona police department. Could anyone follow that? 

A downtown officer in a parked car watched as a man turned into a gravel parking lot, and slowly rolled his car forward into a ditch. Upon approaching the now clearly drunken man, the driver told the officer he was “just power sliding, man.” Sure, buddy, we’ll get you back on the set of Tokyo Drift now.

Police issued at least four citations for loud music and at least three citations for excessive window tint in the last week. Damn kids.

During a sobriety test, a man suspected of driving under the influence in West Ashley told officers maybe he was the sober one, and everyone else was drunk. Officers admitted they hadn’t thought of that before, and would take it into consideration while writing him a ticket.