Blotter o’ the Week: When asked why he wasn’t wearing a seatbelt, a man replied, “Man, this is an old car.”

Ferris Bueller Chase scene o’ the Week: After police tried to stop a man for riding his bicycle the wrong way down a one-way street, the man sped away on his bike, hopped a fence onto property with a “No Trespassing” sign, and ran to the other side of the yard. Police caught the man on the other side, where he confessed he was running because he had a crack pipe.

While being questioned about a possible DUI offense, a woman asked an officer, “Girl, where did you get your hair braided? I need mines done too!” The woman failed a field sobriety test and was arrested on a DUI charge.

Sad Crime o’ the Week: Somebody stole a checkbook and used it to buy groceries, mostly.

A man who lives in a 1,000-square-foot apartment became suspicious when he started receiving power bills of more than $300 a month. He suspects that someone tampered with the wiring on his meter box to make him pay for a neighbor’s power bill. He also says that a man wearing an SCE&G shirt recently came to his door and spoke to his wife, but when she asked the man for identification, he wrote down the name “Buddy” and then walked away.

A loss prevention officer says a shoplifter walked into a store, sat down in an motorized wheelchair, and placed $78 worth of merchandise in the wheelchair’s front basket without paying. When an employee tried to stop the woman at the door, she sped off in the chair, jumped into a red convertible, and burned rubber.

Over the course of four months, an 82-year-old woman who was receiving home healthcare had $33,000 worth of silverware and jewelry stolen from her house.

Stolen From Homes This Week: A Playstation 3, an XBox 360, $750 in cash, a silver bracelet depicting a nativity scene, a turkey knife, eight steak knives, 16 engraved goblets, a gold chain with a lion’s head pendant, and a set of lemon forks.

A man with a key lodged in his face walked into a hospital emergency room saying that he had been lying on the couch when his wife threw him a set of keys to catch. He says he failed to catch the keys, and one of them hit his face. A nurse discovered that the key had pierced two facial bones and gone into his sinus cavity, and he was bleeding around the entry point.

While out at a bar, a man met a heavily tattooed stranger who said he had been in a fight down the street and needed a place to stay for the night. The man allowed the stranger to sleep in his apartment, and he woke up the next morning to discover that his houseguest was gone and so was his bicycle.

A man in a retirement home walked out the door without his walker or wheelchair, fell into a ditch, and got a stranger to give him a ride to an unknown location by saying, “I need to get to the highway.”

While breaking up a fight at the City Market at 2 a.m., an officer pulled out his baton, and one of the combatants tried to grab it away from him. The man was arrested on charges of public disorderly conduct and resisting arrest.

Jackass o’ the Week: After discovering that his car had been towed due to $237 worth of outstanding parking tickets, a man flew into a rage and kicked the side door on a parking enforcement officer’s vehicle, creating a dent. When the officer drove away, the man started sprinting after him on the sidewalk but was intercepted by a police officer who arrested him on disorderly conduct and vandalism charges.

Somebody stole five power tool batteries from a construction site.

A woman told police that her former employer had been sending her harassing e-mails and text messages ever since she quit the job. One of the text messages just said, “You are pathetic.” She said there was some disagreement over the matter of her final paycheck and tip money.

Police arrested a man who had been standing in the middle of traffic swaying on his feet, refusing to move. When police tried to ask the man questions, he refused to give his real name and said, “I will find you on your bike and run you over, bitch.”

In the middle of the afternoon, a man lay down in a busy intersection in front of a CARTA bus, stopping traffic in all directions. When vehicles started honking at him, he shouted profanities at them and threw papers in the air. When police asked him to move to the sidewalk, he replied, “Make me! I’m the motherfucking man!” The motherfucking man was arrested on a charge of disorderly conduct.