[image-1]

Good news, everybody. This week’s episode happens to fall on my birthday. Yes, I keep writing these articles, and my hands keep looking more like my grandfather’s.

Mortality aside, it may be my birthday, but it is you who are receiving a present — in the form of another Southern Charm recap. If there is one gift I can ask of you, it’s to please cut up your plastic six-pack rings. Otherwise fish and ducks get all caught up in them. Just like the cast of Southern Charm get entangled in the repercussions of their own drunken escapades.

Yes. That was a perfect segue. I’m getting better with age. Now on with the show.

We start things off with our cast still in Colorado. Eliza’s boyfriend, whose last name would probably be Beige if that word wasn’t so French and exotic, awakes to find his lady is missing from bed.

[image-2]

My hopes rise that this show has actually been a slow-burn horror story all along. Don stalks through the cabin, wading through piles of empty beer cans and wine bottles, calling out for Eliza. He eventually stumbles into Austen’s room to find Austen and his ex-girlfriend Madison under the covers. For some reason Don pauses to ask them what they want for breakfast. Don then immediately gives up the search for Eliza so that he can do some tidying up. Where’s Eliza, Don? Did she lose track of time while telling strangers how difficult it is to be part of her prestigious family? Did she wander out into the snow and turn to dust like Melisandre on Game of Thrones? Was a yeti involved? Don! I need answers.

Oh, wait. She just appeared out of nowhere looking like Cindy Lou Who. Things are cool.

[image-3]

We are then treated to a montage of Shep being stoned as shit from the night before. This includes him presenting his nipples to the room, gorging himself on Cheetos whilst wearing some sort of Soviet hat, and finally collapsing under his own weight like a dying star.

Since breakfast is the time when we discuss intercourse, Shep asks Austen and Madison if they went coit the night before. Madison says they did not, despite the fact that she awoke topless. Apparently, her mother’s advice was “Always sleep naked.” In contrast, my mother, a usually nude woman, always warned that “Those lust demons will get you” and “Eating over the pot will make your boobs bigger.” This advice has guided me well.

While Whitney and Cameran make a speedy getaway back to Charleston, the rest of the gang goes to enjoy the local hot springs. This includes the guys having to borrow some bathing suits from the “loaner bin” and everyone scrutinizing Craig’s so-called tiny nipples. Since I am a real journalist, I decided to get to the bottom of analyzing Craig’s nipples.

Since every advanced screener for Southern Charm comes with the production details for each episode, I know that this scene was filmed in a 16:9 aspect ratio, full frame, and presented in 1080p. This allows for a close examination of said nips. After a close study of the areolas in question, I can say that they are smaller than average, but behind them lies the heart of a lion.

[image-4]

Clad in a stranger’s discarded bathing suit, Austen tries to have a serious discussion with Madison about rekindling their relationship. That’s when he tells the camera that Madison has a child. What!? Did we know this? Way to bury the lede on that one, TV show producers. Southern Charm continues to lead the way in how withholding a reality program can be.

As we gear up for an eventual blowup between Madison and Austen, Craig spends the ride back to the cabin naming all the dangerous mammals in the area like he’s some mix between Rain Man and Bear Grylls. Apparently, Craig is very worried about the local puma population. Yes, the guy who willingly stays in an isolated cabin with a group of people who despise each other and are consuming copious amounts of drugs and alcohol is concerned about mountain lions.

As the gang prepares to leave Colorado, Shep and Madison enter into a conversation about Austen that is going to end in a dumpster fire. I know this because the Southern Charm producer’s bring out the tense claves music. As soon as I hear those little sticks start clacking together and the hiss of some maracas, I know something bad is about to happen. They might as well play that loud siren noise from Kill Bill.

After some verbal sparring, Madison alleges that Shep gave Danni chlamydia. I don’t know what this has to do with Austen. Wait. I do. Nothing.

Danni, the quintessential bystander, asks why the hell Madison would pull her into all this. This is a reasonable question. Danni is kind of the Rosencrantz and Guildenstern of Southern Charm. Or, did anybody play a tree or a shrub in Hamlet?

Anyway, Austen is upset that Madison let the chlamydia out of the bag. Austen plays dumb about the STD allegations, but then confesses to the camera that he shouldn’t have gossiped with Madison. Meanwhile, Madison responds to a rightfully upset Danni by insulting her for smoking menthols. This is clearly some classist insult from the same woman who was indignant about being called “white trash” in the previous episode.

The funny thing is that Danni denies having smoked since they arrived as two packs of Parliaments are shown on the table beside her. Also, let’s just let Danni have a cigarette. Hell, you already said she has chlamydia. She has earned the right to take a minute-long drag on a refreshing Seneca Menthol 100.

Man, just imagine how Danni must feel. You’re up late, writing your weekly TV recap. You had a long day at your other job. Got stuck in traffic because somebody drove into a house. You’re watching people argue on their vacation. It’s your birthday. And all you can think about is the icy comfort of a Kool, so cool you can’t see the “C.” I’m, of course, talking about Danni. Yes. Danni.

[image-5]

Returning to Charleston, Craig has a call with his parents, wherein he tells them that Shep named a dog after him and the pillow business is picking up. This is the call every parent dreams of but rarely receives.

Speaking of parenting, Cameran and her perfect mother take Cam’s daughter to the aquarium. Cameran explains that the trip to Colorado has made her realize that she doesn’t want to hire a nanny and fully return to her career, instead choosing to focus on enjoying her time with the baby. On that note, my mom called me today and said she was looking at my baby pictures. I asked which ones, and apparently my dad photographed her C-section, so they are just graphic images of me being yanked from my mom’s insides. She calls them the “blood and guts” baby photos. Motherhood is something else.

The remainder of the episode boils down to the two most inane conversations you’ve ever heard. Madison drops by Kathryn’s four-story apartment home, which she describes as “cute.” Madison reasonably says she wants to confide in Kathryn because they are both single mothers pursuing new relationships. This would be a really interesting thing for the show to examine, but the show doesn’t care about you, so they talk about anything but this. Ultimately, they declare that women should support each other, which will probably be sampled in a presidential hopeful’s campaign song.

[image-6]

Next we find Austen and Shep dealing with the fallout of ChlamydiaGate2019. Shep’s argument centers around Austen telling his romantic interests to “shut up.” I can tell you this doesn’t work. If you really want your partner to stop talking, just start making kissing noises and aggressively snapping your fingers at them while they speak. Also, wait a good ten years into your relationship, and then inexplicably start using baby talk to describe how “sweepy” and “tiiade” you are. It really shuts a person down.

Anyway, Austen and Shep are left questioning their friendship because really the only thing I think these guys agree on passionately is that the Snyder cut of Justice League needs to be released. Let the people see the truth.

Until next week, happy birthday, guys. Your continued support makes me feel like I got a portrait in the attic aging for me.