Craigslist Poetry: Blow kisses, not chunks

For the gape-mouthed spectators who haunt the Missed Connections section of Charleston Craigslist, there are a few prize finds: wallflower confessions, manic proclamations of love at first sight, public intimations of lust in the workplace. And then, every once in a while, you strike pay dirt. Exhibit A: The first item in this week’s installation of Craigslist Poetry, “Barfing At The Buffet.” How often do you get to hear the story of an amorous encounter cut short by vomit?

The following are actual entries from the Missed Connections section of Charleston Craigslist, divided into lines and stanzas and presented without embellishment:

Barfing At The Buffet – w4m – 24 (Charleston)

You seemed like a very sensual man.

I could tell by the way you moved,

like water, like silk, like a dream

I have yet to see.

As we continued to talk I noticed

this strange rumble coming from

my stomach and I immediately

begin to sweat profusely.

You were so handsome I didn’t want to walk away.

I also didn’t want to stop eating. lol.

You said you were looking for a job

and that you were a bit frustrated.

I encouraged you and told you

it would all fall into place. After I said that,

I barfed slightly into my mouth.

You said you have lived in Charleston

your whole life and I asked if you liked to travel.

That is when I barfed a little bit on my plate.

You asked if I was ok and I played it off.

I noticed you tried to walk away

but I didn’t want to lose you.

We walked to the dessert bar

and that is when I barfed in your face.

I do apologize

I just didn’t want

to lose this opportunity

with you. If you see this

just know that I can’t

stop thinking about you

and I have stopped barfing.

East Bay Post Office – m4w – 60 (Charleston)

Every mature white male

has the “silver fox” fantacy.

But I’m not out of GQ

Around 4:15 you left wearing beige/yellow shirt….

long curles in your hair.

beautiful young black woman.

we spoke…

I was picking up my mail after vacation.

how about a cup of coffee at Starbucks?

I turned left on Romney st.

as you turned right.

A real woman – w4m

A real woman will not endure your boyish ways.

A real woman will not stick around for explanation.

A real woman will not listen to excuses.

A real woman will not pursue you.

A real woman will walk away without the drama.

A real man is a rare jewel.

Taco Bell MTP – m4w – 35 (mount pleasant)

I see you everytime I grab lunch! I’m married

so I guess this is the only way I can ever talk

to you, but if you see this…lunchtime is the best part

of my day! You are always smiling

and always friendly!

September Song…the days dwindle down..

You blew me off,

apparently,

because I ran a background check on you.

I know all about you

as I would anyone I hoped

to spend my life with.

Nothing bad could be found.

I know you love Corona

but that’s OK so long as

you don’t get drunk and beat me up.

LDS is OK w/ me;

I read the book.

You are a hard-working, neat individual

and I know you have been through a lot of surgeries,

etc lately.

You need someone who cares about you

who would take care of your every need.

Contact me. We could at least be friends.

I helped you at every opportunity

in the past when you were my neighbor.

I’d like to do it again

because you left an imprint that doesn’t seem

to want to fade away.

See you on Twitter.

Or do you still have me blocked?

YOU are not a bad person.

I am not a bad person.

I know we both get lonely.