-I’m excited about this election because we have a chance to make history. If Barack Obama is elected he will be the first president in history who’s name is not recognized by my spell check.

-In the United States we call our severe weather patterns La Nina. Do you think Latinos call it, Spoiled American Brat.

“We’re live from Guadalajara, and Spoiled American Brat is causing havoc. It’s dropping rain, wind, and eating disorders all over the shore line. If you want to avoid manic depression, please stay inside. I repeat, this storm carries with it sleet, hail, and extreme laziness. Avoid it at all costs.”

-I think I’m officially becoming a New Yorker because whenever I leave the city and go in someone’s house first thing I ask- how many other families live here? And I think my friends are rich based on the smallest things. Oh my God, how can you afford a washing machine? And grass outside your apartment is yours to use? Holy Mother of What!

A utility room. That is just rubbing it in. That’s just a room that sits the bench- if you need it we can put whatever in there. We just keep this room around, just in case.

Or Rec Rooms. “Yeah, we just keep this room around around for fun. It’s a whole room dedicated to fun and merriment.” What people outside of New York call rec-rooms, we call bars.

-If God created everything, then he created hell too. That means he has a wicked freaky side. It's like going to over the the nicest guy in the world's house, he's giving you the grand tour:

“This is the children's hospital, this is where I house grieving mothers, and back here - this is the dungeon where I torture souls for eternity. Yeah, this is where I keep people who cross me. If you're not careful, you could end up there too. No, they have no chance of leaving. Are you kidding me? Some of those people down there masturbated. How could they not burn? Hey, come on, I'm dying to show you the pool.”