I succumbed to the hype and marketing and visited a new fast food place in West Ashley this afternoon. I know that this branch is brand-new, because I’ve been monitoring the progress of construction on my morning commute and saw the Port-au-Prince style camp out out front several days ago. I was more than slightly tempted to join in the wholesome fun, but I didn’t want to put a damper on anyone else fun by my inevitable drinking and swearing (essential camping activities where I hail from).

Tonight I was overwhelmed with a feeling of safety by the over-illuminated-parking lot. I was immediately comforted by the soft Christian-rock or Christian soft-rock (I’m not sure which). My feeling of comfort was enhanced by the flack-jacket bedazzled police officer standing behind me collecting a free sandwich and refreshing beverage.

The staff, however, is by far what impressed me the most. The predominantly Caucasian waiters, cooks, and cashiers seemed to be filled with the Holy Spirit as they prepared my deluxe chicken sandwich. The attentiveness of a certain young lady to my every need made me feel as though I was the Lord Jesus Christ Himself mowing down on those deliciously seasoned waffled fries. The captain of the ship, really seemed to motivate those whippersnappers to crank out a high quality product while keeping the ole bottom line lower than 50 Cents sag. I must admit I feel like a bad influence; the underage staff kept telling me how much pleasure I was giving them. I believe I heard “My Pleasure” more times than than a sex-therapy seminar.

Tonight was children’s night, and what a joy it was to have so many blessing of the Lord running about, underneath my table, shrieking to escape the linebacker sized cow mascot. Speaking of cows, how funny is the species-specific bovine-chauvinistic marketing? Ha, those cows desperately attempting to save their lives pleading with the pear-shaped humans to eat their barnyard companions! It’s like a mash-up of Animal Farm and Lord of the Flies, absolutely brilliant if you ask me.

It’s just so edifying to find so many things we cherish as Americans in one convenient location. Freedom fries, bacon, supersized parking spaces, and all the helium your kids could inhale in bold primary color balloons. Well, I’m gonna go get a refill of that Dr. Pepper (best damn drink on the market if you ask me) and head back to the burbs.