There are some lies that are told so often that we finally accept them as absolute truth.

For instance: Spinach will kill you. Kids have been saying this for years. Other great lies include: The Jews killed Christ. This lie has been spread for years by radical Christians, assorted knobs, and recently by Mel Gibson and Howie Mandel. The Jews did not kill Christ, although it is quite possible that they annoyed Him.

But perhaps the greatest lie I have heard throughout my life is that the ratio of women to men at the College of Charleston is four women for every man. I’ve also heard everything from three to six women for every man, and I know in my heart that all this is a damn lie told by damn fools. Because there is very little that I know about human life, but I do spend a lot of time noticing women and these numbers are off. Way off.

As anyone who has ever known me will agree, I have spent much of my life gawking at, wondering about, and drooling over women. Don’t misunderstand me, as a College of Charleston graduate, occasional CofC teacher, vague CofC supporter, and a man who has spent countless hours at the corner of St. Philip and Calhoun streets counting coeds, I am sure there is a slight majority of women at the college.

According to the National Center for Education Statistics and the Carnegie Foundation, both respected institutions that probably exist, the College of Charleston had an undergraduate enrollment of 9,874 in 2004 with a breakdown of:

63 percent women

37 percent men.

So, by my calculations, this means that there are approximately 6,150 women at the C of C and 3,650 men, for a surplus of 2,500 women. Almost the exact number of women who have rejected or spat upon me over the years.

So, now I’m left wondering: what could all these 2,500 women be doing? They are certainly not returning my calls or invitations to dinner, and now it hits me. It’s not me…

It’s The Citadel. And the last I heard, it was highly populated by men — except for those Citadel guys that spend some after-hours time dressing as women for fun and frolic. (Just kidding, guys. Have you read the things I say about myself? You’re getting off easy. It’s one cheap joke, put down the damn guns, I’m not at home.)

Anyway, another quick hit on the internet shows that The Citadel has 1,995 undergraduates and a breakdown of:

7 percent women

93 percent men.

Thus, using my CofC math skills, there are about 1,860 men and 140 women, for a surplus of 1,720 men.

Taking the surplus of women from the College and subtracting the surplus men from The Citadel, I see that there is still a surplus of approximately 780 women just in the downtown area. Certainly not four times as many women as men, but a scad of women that must consider ménages or nunneries … or me.

Knowing that the decision of any of these women will not be me, I will sit at home and stew. Still, I will be able to get some sleep at night knowing that on this day, I was ignored by only 780 women. Not bad. Not bad at all.