I just can’t take the stress of driving downtown anymore – it’s bad enough with small streets, bad park-jobs, bike-riding idiots, tourists looking up, fools who text and walk, and morons who dart out between parked cars, but now that summer is here, massive breast implants seem to be popping up everywhere.
These ladies (getting younger every year in their minds), have no regard for traffic flow and literally risk getting mowed down by drivers like me who just can’t take our eyes off those pert, rock-hard, glistening, throat-high jugs as they saunter down the sidewalk with reckless abandon. If a small child or elderly man steps out in front of me, they have no chance because they surely will not break my stare. I guess it’s time to increase my insurance coverage.

-tempted to rub one out on King St.