There are two kinds of people in this country: those who appreciate the First Amendment and those who treat the First Amendment like a dare. Chris Haire is the latter, and for nine years he’s been the teeth of this paper. From his pointed columns on racism to his droll takes on South Carolina politics — who can forget the Shakespearean sonnet he penned to Mark Sanford? — Haire has been the guiding voice of City Paper for nearly a decade. But now he’s gone … back to Greenville.

Last week our fearless leader accepted an offer he couldn’t refuse (I know that sentence has too many clichés, Chris), and moved back to his beloved upstate home. It’s a bittersweet departure to be sure. While readers may know him as one of this city’s loudest rabble-rousers, the real Chris Haire is actually a generous boss, patient mentor, and loyal friend. I swear it’s true. (The same puckish guy who thrilled at posting a blog of Stephen Hawking reading 50 Shades of Grey is also the person who just gave me a Radio Flyer for my one-year-old son. Go figure.)

So what now?

I’ve been told I can have Haire’s office — score — oh, and his job. Beyond that, if we get into any editorial quagmires my plan is simple: just look down at my WWCHD bracelet and wait for divine intehairevention.