All right I’ll level with you. Christmas is going to touch you in places you never wanted anyone to touch — your wallet. When you wake up Christmas morning and look in your bank account, you’re going to think that the Nigerian banker has made a triumphant return. What for? All so your kid would shut up about the video game they wanted or the cloths or the liter of whiskey you needed to make it through all the Christmas music. Never fear, the City Paper has some free events to take your mind off your rapidly deflating funds.

Monday A Touring Christmas Carol is a free one man adaptation of Dicken’s classic A Christmas Carol. Feel free to donate if you think the ghosts of Christmas are going to come haunt your ass.

Tuesday At the Happy Hour Art Tent Event you can browse the gifts and art while drinking heavily. This is something we recommend doing before you have to spend money on people you don’t like.

Need to wash the Christmas music out of your ears? Listen to some blues by Whiskey Diablo.

Wednesday Food, good. Free, great! Come shovel as many free samples as you can fit in your face hole before they kick you out at Gather and Gaze.

It’s totally normal to let your children sit on a stranger’s lap. Keep the tradition alive and take your kids to Visit With Santa.

Take the one friend who will love you even if you mess up their Christmas gift — thank dog for furry friends — to the Carolina Coonhound Rescue event.

Friday Need some jokes to smooth over when you mix up the present you got your dad (golf balls) and the present you got your girl (new thong)? Head to Blast Off? and steal some comedic material to try and make your family hate you less.

Saturday Fiddles, food trucks, and wine — need we say more? Oh, maybe the name of the event. Head to Sippin’ Saturdays for that trifecta of perfection.

We all have some explaining to Santa about our actions this year, and we’re pretty sure cookies will help with the humiliation. Good thing, Southern Season is mixing the two. 

Remember the Island of Misfit toys? Who here thought that those pariahs of society were actually way cooler than any of the “normal” toys? If you did then the Misfit Toys Art Show is the exhibit for you.

Sunday Do you need to achieve Nirvana to prevent yourself from massacring the in-laws this season? Find Holiday Happiness through yoga and relaxation.

Parents, have you been skipping meals to get all your shopping done. Make sure you get the sugar pay-off you deserve and take your kids to cookie decorating at the Sanctuary where you can gently remind them that Santa loves sugar and to dollop some more frosting on them.

Stay cool. Support City Paper.

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