Herman Cain releases snuff film in ongoing quest for relevancy

This morning I showed Herman Cain’s controversial new ad to my pet fish Bruce.

He didn’t think too much of the ad in which a little girl dumps a goldfish on the ground where it flips and flops for a few seconds before she pours some kind of black shit on it.

Then again, Bruce doesn’t think too much about anything. He just swims around in his bowl day after day after, oblivious to the fact that we have imprisoned him against his will.

The thing is, fish are stupid. But apparently, they’re not as stupid as Herman Cain. (And no, I didn’t really show Bruce the video. I’m afraid it will give him nightmares.)

See, I can guarantee you that Cain and his enablers never once thought that some people would get all hot under the gills by an ad in which a goldfish was tortured and then killed, a charge Herman’s folks deny, but which seems really, really unlikely. In fact, the whole thing has become something of a controversy. (Just between you and me, I don’t want to sound all Birther, Truther, Deather, and Breitbarter here, but I refuse to believe Cain’s account that the fish is still alive until he shows the world a live video of that very same goldfish happily swimming in its bowl.)

And instead of just letting fish-gate die, the Cain camp has released a statement on this tempest in a fishbowl:

Our latest ad has been grabbing headlines internationally, not only because it accurately depicts the economy struggling for oxygen, but perhaps even more so because a goldfish suffered the trauma of a few seconds without water. We’re not too worried about the criticism. What matters is the fact that our ad has been viewed nearly a quarter of a million times!

The way that people receive information is rapidly changing, and if conservatives expect to compete, we must do a better job of creating interesting web videos. Our team is leading the way with cutting-edge videos that challenge people to think, and we are inspiring responses from audiences that otherwise would not be reached!

And that audience would be torture-porn aficionados.

Anyhow, here’s the ad in question. Enjoy the goldfish snuff film.