I’ve got a question for Thomas Ravenel, who recently spoke to The Post and Courier about legalizing drugs: Exactly when did you decide that cocaine was bad? Because, for me, there were quite a few movies I saw when I was younger that showed me why I didn’t want to touch cocaine. I wonder if you watched them, too.

Did you ever see Bachelor Party? That was that movie where Tom Hanks had a crazy bachelor party and all his nutty friends did that wacky stuff with those hookers and trannies. If you haven’t seen it, there is a scene where this donkey snorts a rail of Colombian white — I know crazy, huh? — and then it begins kicking and flailing about before it dies. It’s hilarious. A real gut buster. You should put it in your Netflix queue.

Did you ever see the last third of Goodfellas? The main character played by Ray Liotta not only has the Feds closing in on him, but he’s on a complete paranoid trip thanks to Lady Cane. Liotta may have looked like a wreck during that final stretch of that fine film, but wasn’t it just awesome how Martin Scorsese put that scene together with the edits and the Rolling Stones and Harry Nilsson playing in the background. That scene was gripping, enthralling stuff, some of Scorsese’s best.

Now, I’m gonna take a wild guess and assume that you’ve seen Pulp Fiction. Remember that scene where Uma Thurman’s character Mia Wallace, the cokehead wife of crime boss Marsellus Wallace, goes to the bathroom to powder her nose, and she, like, snorts some blow and yells, “I said, ‘Goddamn!'” That was badass. And if that scene wasn’t cool enough, there was the part where she mistakes Vincent Vegas’ heroin for blow. She snorts it and starts ODing. That was a messed up scene. Scary even. But you know what, everything turned out OK. She survived thanks to an adrenaline shot to the boob. You need to check out that movie if you haven’t.

And then there is the king of all snow movies, Scarface. No, not the 1932 Howard Hawks movie with Paul Muni and George Raft, but the remake that Brian DePalma directed and Oliver Stone wrote. The one with Al Pacino as Tony Montana. That movie is filled with quotables and a lot of killer scenes. I think my favorite part is when Tony is feeling all buckwild and bulletproof from the mountain of coke he has just inhaled. His wacky sister gets smoked, and then his entourage gets smoked by a rival drug gang, but Tony stands his ground even though he’s getting riddled with bullets. That scene is crazier than a bag of cats. I don’t know what to say to you if you haven’t seen that movie. It’s pretty awesome.

This might seem a little off topic, but I’ve been a rap fan since the mid-’80s. One of my favorite videos ever was Public Enemy’s “Night of the Living Baseheads.” Talk about a strong clip. You got Chuck D pointing at an outline of a dead body on the street saying, “The problem is this! We gotta fix it!” Then you got real-ass footage of people buying cocaine. And they do this mock-up of MC Lyte busting up a snortfest in a Wall Street office. Oh, and then you got Flavor Flav doing this coked up, basehead dance with a bunch of other addicts. That Flav has always been a nutty nut-nut.

I know I’m deviating from script, but I’m sure you remember the War on Drugs in the ’80s. That guy Ronald Reagan (the one all you Republicans praise all the time), his homeboy George Bush, and even Ronnie’s wifey, Nancy, were all about getting people to say no to drugs, especially crack, which was sweeping America at the time. As for all those crackheads? Those people deserved to get arrested or something. Coke was the very bane of Crockett and Tubbs’ existence. What kind of dumbass would ever do cocaine anyway?

Here’s the thing, Mr. Ravenel. Your sudden criticism for Uncle Sam’s wang-waving War on Drugs seems disingenuous. Next time you want to rail about the failed policies of our government, try to do it before you get thrown in the slammer.