We are a nation of outrage. A sad collection of angry souls who air their grievances with misguided aplomb and twitching texting fingers, destroying Facebook and Twitter feeds of the just and unjust alike. We are a country hopelessly addicted to shaking our fists at the heavens and proclaiming our dissatisfaction with events that have no direct impact on our lives or those we hold most dear. We are a people for whom righteous indignation is bent by social whims and defined by hashtags, gifs, and links to hard-hitting articles from previously unheard of news sites. It unites us. It binds us. It blinds us to the very real problems that are staring us right in the face … and I would tell you exactly what those problems were if only I wasn’t furiously tweeting all of my thoughts on the deaths of Cecil the Lion, Sandra Bland, and Jon Snow.
That is where we are today. But where will we be tomorrow? What new outrage will consume us? What new sin will prompt us to post a comment to the City Paper in all caps? What new trifling tirade truffle will we gorge ourselves on? Fortunately, I know. Here they are:
1. A group of South Carolina lawmakers led by Sen. Lee Bright will begin construction on a new Confederate memorial in front of the Statehouse that will be made entirely out of dried pasta, glitter glue, and My Little Pony stickers.
2. Donald Trump will speak.
3. Donald Trump will tweet.
4. Donald Trump’s hair will be falsely charged with treason.
5. Taylor Swift will be accused of cultural appropriation for surfing while wearing a muumuu and playing the ukulele.
6. Bill Cosby will admit that he once slipped himself a mickey and woke up in bed with Whoopi Goldberg, who for reasons that no one could explain, was dressed as the Jack Links’ sasquatch.
7. Kendall Jenner will post a photo of herself in something that is not sexually revealing in any way, shape, or form-fitting.
8. Superman will join the Bernie Sanders campaign.
9. The NRA will fight the ban against spitballs in the classroom.
10. Trans fats will team with gluten and GMOs to stop Michelle Obama’s insidious healthy lunch initiative.
11. A holograph of Cecil the Lion will perform alongside Nikki Minaj at the annual Teen Choice Awards.
12. Brian Kilmeade of Fox and Friends will say something that his fellow co-hosts will not immediately agree with.
13. Drake and Meek Mill will sign an armistice agreement following a long Twitter war in which countless rhymes were lost.
14. Hillary Clinton will admit that Benghazi was a false flag operation to get Trey Gowdy some much-needed television time.
15. The Boy Scouts of America will begin admitting Sour Patch Kids.
16. Cara Delevingne will accidently toot during a interview and fail to say, “Excuse me.”
17. Hollywood will reboot T.S. Eliot’s “The Waste Land.”
18. Tom Brady will admit to under-inflating his balls only because Gisele is into that sort of thing.
19. President Barack Obama will secretly meet with Jon Stewart to secretly discuss secretive things.
20. True Detective season 2 will sweep the 2016 Emmy Awards.
21. The Democrats!!!