These are dark days for Democrats in the Palmetto State. Not only is perennial candidate Ben Frasier their nominee in the 1st Congressional District race, but Alvin Greene is their party’s choice to take on the GOP’s Jim DeMint, a Tea Party kingmaker and a radical right-winger with theocratic dreams.

So come Election Day, many blue boys and girls are going to have to hold their noses when they vote a straight party ballot. And if they can’t stand the smell of casting a vote for a guy who thinks action figures will solve our nation’s current economic crisis and another that may not even live in the Palmetto State, there are a host of third-party candidates they can waste their votes on.

Of course, there is another option. The Democrats can all band together and vote for a qualified write-in candidate, someone that can truly beat both 1st Congressional candidate Tim Scott and Sen. DeMint. I hate to say it, but right now there’s no one that can.

I know local cookbook author Nathalie Dupree just threw her flour-covered apron into the ring, but I don’t think the chef has what it takes. She may be able to beat eggs, but she can’t beat DeMint. Bon mots and bad puns will only take her so far.

Now, I’ve heard your cries. I’ve read your teary letters. I’ve scoured the comments on the City Paper site and witnessed your desperation secondhand. I know that you want someone that can win in November. And I know that many of you think that man is me. Sigh.

As much as I’m honored — and believe me, I truly am — I can’t win. I simply don’t have what it takes to run for office. Looking at all the other candidates running this year, I’m just not qualified. Here’s why:

• I bought Winger’s first album.

• I pay my taxes on time, sometimes before the April 15 deadline.

• I have smoked clove cigarettes on two occasions, and I once bought a T-shirt at Hot Topic.

• I do not think that Iran is ripe for regime change.

• I have never seen an episode of The West Wing.

• I like pork, and I bring home the bacon every single week.

• I do not believe it’s appropriate to look at internet porn in libraries.

• I think a candidate should live in the state in which he runs.

• I have never had a picnic on a satanic altar, but I have dated goth chicks.

• I do not have a father who sired a daughter out of wedlock with a woman who was a member of the race he so desperately tried to keep down.

• I have never been a member of an all-white country club.

• I had a Confederate flag hanging on my dorm room wall.

• I lost hope.

• I am not living in the closet.

• I think unwed mothers make perfectly fine teachers. Gay folks, too.

• I cried at the end of Galaxy Quest.

• I do not trust people who wear bow ties.

• I prefer coffee over tea.

• I didn’t always wear a condom.

• I do not hold office in the most gerrymandered district in the state.

• I have voted for Ralph Nader, Alan Keyes, and Heywood Jablome.

• I do not have a jobs plan.

• I have received an unemployment check.

• I have never been paid for my connections.

• I will not release my e-mails.

• I have never gone hiking on the Appalachian Trail.

• I do not have a kung-fu grip or drive around town in a hot-pink Corvette.

• I lie.