Over the years, countless journalists have proclaimed that rock ‘n’ roll was dead. They were all wrong. As of Jan. 22, 2014 rock was very much alive. But then at approximately 4:30 this morning, rock ‘n’ roll died — and it died when Justin Bieber was arrested for DUI and drag racing on the streets of Miami after a day-long toke session. At that moment, it became apparent that whatever edge rock ‘n’ roll once had was gone, never to return.

These days rock stars rarely make headlines for their bad behavior. More often than not , they’re heralded for their charity work or their get-out-the-vote campaigns or their courage to, you know, dress in drag, something that has been old hat for 40 fucking years. Gone are the days when they are arrested for driving cars into pools or throwing TVs out of hotel windows or whipping out their dicks on stage or pissing on the Alamo. The Alamo!

Instead, the rockers of lore have been replaced by mild-mannered milquetoasters who pluck banjos and stomp their feet and belt out sing-along choruses like they’re appearing on Hootenanny or an episode of motherfucking Glee.

The real bad boys — and girls — are the purveyors of bubble-gum pop — your Miley Cyruses, your Lady Gagas, your Kanye Wests, and, yes, your Justin Biebers. It’s because of them that the world’s youth are still able to live out their outlaw fantasies. It’s because of them that today’s parents fear for the safety of their children. It’s because of them that our seniors believe they are living in the end times. I don’t know about you, but if I was was the lead singer in a so-called rock band these days — like say, fun or the Lumineers or Imagine Dragons — I’d check my tighty whities to see if my balls had dropped yet. 

Fortunately, I can spare them the trouble. They haven’t.

The truth is Miley Cyrus has more balls than the collective members of the Avett Brothers and Justin Bieber is one of the few male stars in the music biz who even comes close to living out his Exile on Main Street dreams. Every single rock musician out there today should cover their faces in shame. You have failed your fans, you have failed your forebears, but most of all you have failed rock ‘n’ roll. Hang it up. The pop tarts won, because you guys have forgotten how to get shitfaced.