The Sands of Time

Hey, maybe the proposed sand castle ban on the Isle of Palms isn’t such a bad idea. Oh sure, at first glance, it seems like yet another way for Big Brother to step in and disabuse us of the need to be responsible for ourselves. But let’s delve a little deeper, shall we? Consider the big picture, so to speak. This could be our way of giving back — a way for the Isle of Palms to bring economic stability and growth to the entire region! Let’s explore:

First, we’ll hire a large consulting firm to do a study proving that people are, in fact, building sand castles and — horrors — even digging holes on the beach. (That’ll keep lots of folks working for months.)

Then, we’ll form committees for both sides: the castle-lovers and safety mongers. Each side will need a PR firm to tell them the best way to sway public opinion in their favor. (More jobs, courtesy of us, thank you very much. And think of the amount of coffee and doughnuts that will be consumed! Not to mention pencils, pens, and paper. I smell prosperity, people.)

Sub-committees will need to be formed for each side. Their responsibilities will include printing inflammatory signs for our yards (providing not only steady work for local sign makers, but also work for our police force as they will need to make sure all the signs are appropriately sized and the legal distance from the road). This committee will also be responsible for writing scathing and contentious personal attacks on each other in the local papers, who will then find it necessary to hire extra staff (again, more jobs) just to handle the censoring, I mean editing, duties alone.

Then we hold a series of public forums to discuss the issue ad nauseum (more coffee, doughnuts, pens, paper, printed agendas, and the requisite PowerPoint presentations.)

Enterprising young people will print “I got fined on IOP” and “It’s my sandbox, too!” T-shirts and bumper-stickers to sell on eBay, providing jobs for local screen printers.

And eventually, the aforementioned committees and subcommittees will make their long-awaited recommendations to the city council and mayor: The issue needs to be tabled pending further study.

Seriously, we could keep this going for years. You can thank us later.

Wendy Sang Kelly

Isle of Palms