As you know, Gov. Nikki Haley has stayed true to her word: She’s going to make damn sure that each and every South Carolina voter who doesn’t have a picture ID gets one. Unfortunately, she’s only offering free rides to the downtrodden on Wed. Sept. 28. Oh well.

On a lark, I decided to call Haley’s State ID hotline at 1-855-STATE-ID, and, I must say, the gal I spoke to was extremely polite and oh-so helpful.

But I can’t say that the phone call was a pleasant.

Because during that interaction, I learned a horrible, horrible truth. See, I was under the impression that you had to have birth certificate in order to get a driver’s license. I know I had to show them mine, and I’m sure you did too. Unfortunately, those rules don’t apply to everybody.

In fact, there is a sizable segment of the Palmetto State’s population that can get a driver’s license on Sept. 28, or any other day of the year, without a birth certificate. And, if 2009 DHEC figures are any indication, their numbers could be as high as 70,000 or even higher. In the Charleston-Dorchester-Berkeley County area, that number could be as high as 9,000.

I don’t know about you, but this just scares the living shit out of me. What are we going to do to close this loophole? Without a birth certificate, how do we even know that these undocumented people are even Americans?

Surely Gov. Haley, Senate Pro Tempore Glenn McConnell, House Speaker Bobby Harrell, and SCGOP head Chad “Amway” Connelly are as distressed as I am that some 70,000 or more people could be allowed to vote without having valid state-issued birth certificates.

And just who are these people, you ask? Prepare yourself. It could even be someone you know. A neighbor. A beloved deacon. Even your own flesh and blood.

I’m talking about anyone born before 1918.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, anyone born before 1918 is exempt from having to provide the DMV with a birth certificate in order to get an ID. I know, it’s terrifying.

Which is why I urge you to call your local legislator, call the SCGOP’s Connelly, call the governor, call Speaker Harrell and Senate President McConnell, and let them know that we cannot let these pretenders vote in 2012. We must stop voter fraud before it happens. Our very system of government depends on it.