1. Have a job.
2. A real job, something not in the food and beverage industry.
3. Arrive at their house in a car, not a bus or a bicycle.
4. Your car, not your father’s or a rental. You should have a car by now.
5. Do not honk the horn several times in quick succession to announce your arrival as you’re pulling into the driveway.
6. Wear something nice. Not too nice. Unless it’s a wedding. Especially if it’s your wedding. Why are you just meeting her parents at your wedding? That’s pathetic.
7. Dress casually, but not too casually. Jams® and a tank top are too casual. Unless it’s a pool party. And you don’t want to meet her parents at a pool party. Unless it’s your pool.
8. Compliment her mother’s dress. Unless you’re at your pool party and she’s wearing a bathing suit, in which case, compliment her mother’s figure. Look her up and down and lick your lips. If her father is nowhere to be seen, ask her mother if she’d like a tour. Of the poolhouse. Because that’s where the bar is, right? Once you have her in the poolhouse, slip … on second thought, scratch this one.
9. Grasp her father’s hand firmly when shaking his hand and look him in the eye. Do not let the handshake go on too long. Do not slip him your fraternity grip by mistake. Do not tickle his palm with your fingers as you pull your hand away. Do not attempt to “thumb wrestle” her father to see who picks up the dinner bill.
10. Mention your fondness for children.
11. Not your existing children, probably best not to mention them at all.
12. Talk about your professional ambitions.
13. In lieu of having any actual professional ambitions, talk about the weather.
14. If the weather’s brewing up some radical waves at the washout, and you’re looking forward to cooking up a buzz and hitting the curlers in the morning for a few thrashing hours before you’re due back at the “facility,” maybe don’t talk about the weather.
15. Smile frequently. Is your grill blinged-out with gold? Good man.