Some say that physically and emotionally rewarding sexual intercourse with an attractive, caring, responsive partner — all within the parameters of a committed, monogamous relationship — is one of life’s greatest joys. We say, “Not quite.”
What good is a great romp in the sack unless you can share all the juicy details with your buddies or the girls, right? Maybe “juicy” is the wrong word there. In any case, when you’re getting laid regularly (this would exclude most married people), it’s natural to want to celebrate that fact with your closest friends — or, as the case may be, to rub their noses in it, since they couldn’t get a piece of action if their units were a foot long, shot out sparks, and tasted like peanut butter. But I digress.
Women and men talk about sex with their friends in different ways. Ironically, women spare no details; no part of the sexual encounter is too personal, too messy, or too anatomically specific to relate to her chicas, often repeatedly, at their request. But men must approach the discussion with an attitude that’s more indifferent, more unwilling, and more vague in the details. Seeming overeager to talk about sex is a sure way to look as though you’re trying too hard to appear heterosexual when in fact you’re not. (For gay men, see the first part of this paragraph.)
First, speak in euphemisms. Make liberal use of words and phrases like “jackhammer,” “wheelbarrow,” “glory hole,” “blumpkin,” “pile driver,” “rusty trombone,” “power drill” and other made-up sounding names that may or may not be actual sex acts. This way, you can befuddle your listeners into believing the encounter was of a professional pornographic quality while obviating the need for specific details. Second, always suggest in an oblique manner than there may have been a third party involved (female, of course — unless, again, you’re a gay man). And finally, never, ever tell them you cried.