Calls and says, “I can see you,” while you’re out of town.

Gets a phone call mid-makeout session . . . from his mom. At 4:30 in the morning.

Sneaks off to call his mother five times a day.

Suggests role-playing by climbing in bed dressed as a Wookie.

Interrupts you mid-sneeze, shouting, “I must draw you!”

Says he wishes every girl would think like Britney Spears and get pregnant within the first year of marriage.

Refuses to tell you what he does for a living, claiming, “it’s not important.”

You rip his designer shirt in the heat of the moment and he stops, yelling, “you’re gonna replace that, right?”

Lives a bathing-optional life.

Gives you one of those fake roses that unfolds into a thong.

Lives off of a diet of pancakes and jerky.

Shouts, “Legolas, what do your elf eyes see?!” during climax.

For your birthday, upgrades your vacuum cleaner.

Asks you to shave his back.

Won’t let you look at him while he’s undressing.

Text messages “We’d have the most beautiful children together” the day after meeting you … at a bar.

Owns every product in Jessica Simpson’s Dessert Duo Whipped Body Cream and love potion gift set line.

Starts dropping by your work every day because, “I just missed you, baby.”