I’ve never wanted to be president. In fact, I don’t think that anybody ever wants to be president, especially not the guys running for the job.

Not many of you know this, but the entire presidential primary process was designed to eliminate any candidate who, for whatever reason, believes that as president they can do something to help their fellow Americans — or who would want to in the first place. Which is why the most idealistic candidates are the first to go — hasta la altavista Jon Huntsman. Arrivedulce Michele Bachmann. Avita zein rummy Herman Cain.

It’s also why we’re always left with a wretched creature who believes in nothing, who stands for nothing, and who cares about nothing as president. They are personality-less blobs of skin and back fat who rarely, if ever, utter a word that is their own. And that’s just fine with them. They know their job is just to handshake fluffer the other world figureheads and trade stories about bread pudding. Seriously, that’s all they eat. All day, all night. It’s disgusting. 

Truth be told, the president of the United States is largely a ceremonial post, one that hides the true leader of the world, Nikki Haley.

I’m sure this is news to you, but it’s not to me. I’ve known it for a long time. And before it was Haley, it was Andy Kaufman.

Well, let me correct myself, here. It’s always been Andy Kaufman. Always. He just changes his name and puts on a new disguise. And it’s been that what since at least Carter, which was when Bob Zmuda had a go at it and things got real shitty for a bit. Pet rocks? Seriously?

So yes, Nikki Haley is Andy Kaufman. Or at least she was when I last checked, and the last time I checked was yesterday which was when Haley —  I mean, Kaufman — issued a declaration declaring the day to be World Diabetes Day.

Now, I know that this may have been confusing to some of you? After all, you probably thought that issuing a world-wide declaration was out of Haley’s jurisdiction or something. She’s just the governor of little ole South Carolina after all.

Well, you’re wrong. It wasn’t. Nikki Haley — I mean, Andy Kaufman — is the leader of the world and she can issue a proclamation declaring Oct. 15 World Bong Water Day if she — ugh, he — wants to. 

I hope that clears it up for you. If it doesn’t, feel free to read Haley’s official proclamation below.

World Diabetes Day Proclamation