As it has been said many times over by now, the gloomcloud that was 2017 has dissipated. Here’s to 2018 being a little less dreary. Inevitably that means a slew of resolutions will be half-heartedly made only to be full-heartedly broken. In a valiant attempt to not focus on scrubbing my own life-toilet clean, I’d rather focus my pockets of valuable energy on something more wasteful and ineffective: telling fictional characters to get their crap together. Granted they only live via a flickering projector or play button but, still, someone needs to tell these fictional people how to live their lives.

Chunk (Goonies, 1985) — Stop lying

Chunk, you never ate your weight in Godfather’s Pizza. You never let Michael Jackson or either of his sisters use the bathroom at your house. You never saved all the elderly folks from that nursing home. You never had a creature that multiplied with water. Just stop the constant lies to make the amazing life you lead sound less amazing. Do you realize how amazingly awesome it is that you went through the trouble to make your own fake vomit, hide it in your jacket, went to the balcony of a movie theater and make a noise like “hua-hua-hua-huaaaaaaahhhh!!!” and then dumped the contents on audience members below which then led to a full blown vomithon? I know you never felt worse in your entire life, but that’s commitment and cold naked honesty.

People will also believe that over you and your buddies busting a minor crime family and scoring pirate loot with a guy named Sloth.


Maleficent (Sleeping Beauty)
— Own your feelings

I know it hurts to not be invited to parties. We’ve all been there. Nothing is worse than being left out of fun times, particularly wild parties like baby christenings. If someone, like say, the Queen of said baby, asks if you were offended by the lack of invitation just say “Yes, I would liked to have been asked. I may not have even gone, but I would like to have been asked, Queen Leah.” Instead of taking the ultimate passive aggressive way out and giving her a curse that’ll insure her then 16-year-old daughter will visit snoozeville indefinitely. It would be so much easier if you just stated your emotions upfront rather than letting it all fester, waiting 16 years for a wish fulfillment that could ultimately lead to your demise.


Stifler – (American Pie series) — Be more aware of your surroundings

It’s not easy being a douchebag. It never is. It’s a full-time job. Constantly berating your friend’s sexuality, treating the ladies solely like conquests, and making fun of those who aren’t you takes commitment. It projects an air of awesomeness that few can debate. To let anyone think differently is to admit weakness. They can’t be allowed to see that you’re merely a boy in pain who wishes his mother wasn’t gawked at by his pals. More than anything they can’t see you as a fool who fails from time to time. To do that, you may need to begin being a bit more aware of the stuff going on around you. Be aware that when your friend borrows one of your rooms with his girlfriend, he may pop off in a cup of beer. Actually as a rule of thumb, never drink a random beer that happens to be laying around. Remember when you and the one girl you were dating were outside and she was going to seductively pour champagne on you? If you had kept your damn eyes open, you’d have noticed your girlfriend was knocked unconscious and that John Cho was on the porch above you taking a whiz.


Optimus Prime (The Transformers series)
— Quit being a drama queen

Why Op? Why? Did you really need to bring your petty Autobot/Decepticon squabble down to Earth? Like most drama queens, you felt the need to involve us Earthlings in all your drama? Relationships are a case of give and take in which both parties make equal sacrifices. We’ve assisted you, time and again, mind you, in defeating your enemies. What has Earth gotten out of it? Destruction? Death? Constant noise? Mark Wahlberg? You say you care about us but if that was the case you’d take your chaos ball somewhere less susceptible to ruination.

Ellen Ripley – (Alien series) — Turn your back on hope and love

Some people are just destined to be the weird cat lady. Maybe that was your calling, Ripley. As far as I know, Jonesy the lovable ginger never left you. Your human companions are a completely different story. Time and again they have betrayed or died on you in the most vicious and horrifying ways. Dallas, one of your co-workers and possible love interest, wound up getting captured by a Xenomorph and then was sealed in an alien cocoon. How horrifying was it to hear him moan, “Kill me?” That would turn me off to emotions forever but you, being strong of will and hard of head, had to decide “screw it! I’ll throw my matronly love at this abandoned child Newt.” See how that turned out? She died offscreen in the next movie right before you got sent to that prison planet. Even the guy you met there didn’t last long before getting ripped up himself. I’m telling you as someone superficially concerned about your fictive mental health, stop. It’s admirable that even in the bleakest of moments that you’d open your heart to others but still even the strongest of us know when to say when with the humans. Jonesy never let you down.