The next time you’re waiting in line at the DMV and see someone furiously clicking on his cell phone while rooting in his pocket, there may be more going on than you think. Recent improvements in WAP bandwidth have given us a perfect storm for video porn on your phone.

Getting porn over Wireless Access Protocol, or WAP, is not new, but it’s recently been booming with the widespread implementation of broadband wireless data transmission technologies like EDGE (used by AT&T and T-Mobile) and EvDO (Sprint, Verizon, and Alltel).

WAP was originally intended to be a quick way to deliver text-based info like stock prices, sports scores, and weather. But as displays grew in size and color depth, it was only a matter of time before the first nudie shots began to take their place in the new personal cellspace.

Cell phone companies have touted the improved data networks’ new level of personal connection with friends and family. But the porn industry saw an opportunity to make it really personal, just like it did with the first VCRs and video cameras. Back then, nobody really wanted to make their own movies. But slo-mo porn that you can watch from the Lazy-Boy? Now you’ve got something.

So what’s out there?

Playboy ( and Hustler ( offer by far the most diverse and bandwidth-specific collections. Besides galleries, they have adult puzzle games, text sex chat, and a variety of things you can interact with. Both publishers have been in the game for a while, but they have just recently taken advantage of the new expanded bandwidth for video. Even the Sundance Channel has gotten into the act, although with a very different take.

Isabella Rossellini stars in eight short movies intended for viewing on cell phones and other handheld devices. They feature Rossellini dressed up as insects copulating with other insects. It’s called Green Porno, and it’s funny, disturbing, and ultimately more stimulating (mentally at least) than any of the hardcore offerings I found.

For the sake of “research,” I picked one of the smaller companies, Signing up was pretty simple, although I chose to enter in all the info on the computer, because I didn’t feel like texting all the numbers.

The images and video clips are organized into simple WML (Wireless Markup Language, a kind of dumbed-down HTML) lists with featured content at the top. I used AT&T’s EDGE network, and the content came up pretty quickly.

Images were extremely small, and I found myself having to make an effort to pick out body parts at times. In one shot, the entire breast was a total of 15 pixels squared and looked like a vaguely beige-pink blob with a slightly dark spot. But you could sort of see what went where.

They offer a lot of video clips, but I never got one to play smoothly. It was worse than looking through the static on a hotel adult channel. Because of the compression, huge blocky artifacts leapt around the fuzzy clips of the beige-pink blobs running into each other. Twice it crashed my phone, so I gave up.

I have no doubt they will get that figured out soon, but it’s not quite there yet. There’s a huge market for what they offer and demand alone will drive the tech for that. It really didn’t do much for me, and I couldn’t bring myself to prop the phone on the toilet and make a go of it. The idea of my mother calling (and bringing up her photo in the display) while in the throes kept me well below half-mast.

Ironically, we’re not the ones really pushing demand for cellporn.

By far, the largest demand is in Europe, Asia, and the Middle East. The reason is because North American companies won’t allow porn providers to use SMS-based billing for what they charge. In other countries, you can have the charges for naughty stuff added to your cell phone bill. So far, no American companies will allow that in the U.S.

Across the pond, cellporn is flourishing in culturally repressive countries like Saudi Arabia. According to a study by Abdullah al-Rasheed presented to the King Fahd Security Academy, a whopping 70 percent of files exchanged between Saudi teenagers’ mobile phones contain pornography. We’re on our way to join them. Once the porn companies figure out how to bill directly to cell phone providers, it’s a done deal. Meanwhile, current cellporn is not much better than getting miniature porno playing cards from a truckstop bathroom vending machine.